Only In Fairy Tales
by Charming-Prue
Summary: What happened after Sarah and Chuck's kiss on that beach? What if it's only in fairy tales that they live happy ever after?
1. Chapter 1

What happened after Sarah and Chuck's kiss on that beach? What if it's only in fairy tales that they live happy ever after?

I don't own the TV show Chuck or any of its characters. I just do this for fun and to get out of boredom. English isn't my maternal language, I don't have a beta and I'm bound to make mistakes and screw up the time line or the storyline, probably both. That being said, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing!

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Nothing. It had done nothing. Their kiss on the beach, it'd been useless. Even if it really seemed like a crazy idea, Chuck had really hoped it would work. She had seen it in his eyes… the hope. And once their lips parted, she had crushed every tiny bit of hope that he had left.

She believed him, everything he said when she asked him to tell her their story. How they met, the numerous adventures they had been on. Barstow, Paris, their wedding… she believed all of it but she didn't feel it. And when they had pulled apart and she'd looked into his eyes, all she could see was a mix of pure hope and truthful love. But she didn't feel it. Something broke inside her on that beach. She hated herself for hurting this nice guy but mostly because while listening to their story, she wanted to remember, she wanted to feel and she couldn't. She wanted to feel the passionate and endless love they shared. It would have meant that she could be something else than a lonesome cold-blooded killer. That she was human or that at one point, she had become one. But the Sarah Bartowski he was referring to was long gone. She couldn't resolve herself to lie to him and tell him she remembered, it would have been so cruel and unfair. So, she'd just shook her head no and whispered an apology before getting up and leaving him alone on the sand. She's been unable to look at him in the eyes a second time, afraid to find the hate and distress that she was causing him. She had just left without looking back, almost running to her car, ashamed of herself for being such a disappointment to the man she was supposed to love with all her heart.

It had hurt back then, three months ago on that beach but it was nothing compared to how much it hurt now. Now that her memories were back. It's not like she had all her five years missing returned in full length in a split second, just flashes here and there, glimpses of missions, moments of happiness, of love… moments with Chuck. And as she remembered, she felt again. She felt the love, the warmth of his embrace, the tenderness of his kisses, the happiness in his voice when he was teasing her. She remembered what it was to love and be loved, to have what she had always wanted, the possibility of a happy family. She remembered what it felt like to be vulnerable around him, to be herself, to be Sarah Bartowski.

Her first memory came back while she was driving one morning on her way to work, stuck in the famous L.A. traffic. For some unknown reason, she was listening to the radio when Nina Simone popped up in the speakers. She remembered Chuck picking up the song while she was waiting on his bed. She remembered thinking that this song was perfect, she remembered their kiss and laying down way too far from him for her liking at first. The warmth of his body as he stretched out his arm, inviting her to come closer to him. The feeling of being at ease and complete. The memory ended up with more kisses and clothes being discarded around the bed. Several angry drivers had shaken her away from her memory with furious honks indicating her that she should move her car out of the way.

Her second memory came back while being totally bored in her motel room, going through many TV channels until she stopped on The Incredibles. She wasn't into animated films or any kind of films for that matter but seeing the little superheroes brought her back to her wedding vows. When Chuck had said that their kids would be like little superheroes with little capes and stuff like that. And she remembered her own words, that he was a gift that she deserved. Bullshit. She didn't deserve him. She never had and never will. She had betrayed him, lied to him, threatened his sister, and hit him. Left him on that beach when he had asked her to trust him.

As the days passed, the more she remembered and the more she felt. After three months, she was in love with Chuck Bartowski again and she missed him desperately. Now she knew what had broken inside of her at the beach, it was her heart. She was heartbroken and miserable. The CIA had given her a month of vacation and she had stayed in a cheap motel near Burbank, as she had told Beckman, she needed to find herself. After that, they had stacked her in an office as Senior Analyst. She wanted to go back on the field but her superiors denied her the only thing she had left in her life, being a damn spy for the agency. Every day she would go to the same building, to the same office, supervising the same Junior Analysts and go back to her cheap motel. Alone. That was all the CIA was allowing her to do for now until they decide that she was ready to go back to the field.

She had been checking on him from time to time, avoiding being seen of course. He was still working at the Buy More and still living in his apartment in Echo Park. There was that girl too. Beautiful, tall brunette, wearing a Nerd Herd uniform. Probably his new handler, he still had the Intersect after all. Or maybe she was just another agent, Chuck was a good spy and he didn't need a handler. Besides, it was her who was supposed to protect him, not some random leggy brunette. But once again she had failed him. He'd taken a bullet to protect her when Quinn tried to kill her and she left him there, alone and in pain. She could have chosen to stay by his side even when he told her to run, but she had run anyway. Whoever that brunette was, she would probably do a better job than she had.

Sarah had felt sick watching them crossing the parking lot, talking and laughing. He seemed happy. She smiled despite the tears running down her face, seeing him smile like that, she was happy for him. He had moved on and he deserved it. Were they a couple? If this girl was his handler or his partner, did they have a cover story of being together? Bile rose up in her throat at the thought of them together. In their bed, the bed that they used to share. She took a long calming breath and wiped her tears. He was okay and it what was mattered the most. With one last look at the man she loved, she drove back to her motel.

She had thought multiples times about going to his place, knocking at the door. Imagining that he would open and smile at her. She would tell him that she remembered and that she loved him. Sometimes, she would tell him that she was sorry and he would wrap his arms around her and gently kiss her head, telling her that he missed her. Some other times, after telling him that she loved him, the CIA brunette would show up behind him, in a black negligée, asking who was at the door.

As much as she wanted to, she couldn't go back to him. He deserved to be happy, he deserved someone better than Sarah Walker, someone who would never let him down and keep up on her promises. She was just not that person for him, not anymore, not after everything she put him through. It pained her, sometimes the pain was so strong that she couldn't breathe.

This morning the pain was intense, she thought she wouldn't be able to get out of bed. She had a dream or a memory, sometimes she couldn't tell what was what. Chuck was driving a Buy More car with a bomb inside it. She watched helplessly as the car sped away, getting lost behind a bus before exploding. Chuck was inside and he was dead. That's when she realized that it must just have been a nightmare since Chuck was alive. She had woken up to a panic attack, crying, unable to control her breathing. She was a mess but she had to get to work anyway. She gave herself five minutes to cry, five minutes to miss him and five minutes to day dream of him holding her. After that, she got up, went to the bathroom to get a shower and get ready for work. Once she got outside her room, she felt a burning sensation in her neck. She reached with her hand to rub the weird feeling away only to realize that a tranq dart was the cause to her unpleasant sensation. The three men dressed in black walking towards her were the last thing she saw before she passed out.

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Sitting on his chair in his room, his feet up on his counter, Chuck was looking at the divorce papers on his desk. He had signed them, it's been too long now and Sarah wasn't coming back. Even though it felt like he was giving up on her, on their love, he just wanted her to be free if she wanted to. He wanted her to be able to start a new life if that was what would make her happy.

As always, he was thinking about her. Where was she? What was she doing? Was she okay? Knowing her, well, knowing Sarah Walker, she was probably hunting some bad guys and kicking asses all around the world, she was a kick-ass ninja after all. He hoped that she was happy and safe. He knew this wasn't the life his wife would want to lead now, but it was the life Sarah Walker loved, the adventures, the fights…

He let out a long sigh… Three months, it's been three months since he last saw her, since she had left him on the beach. He had given her some space, to find herself as she put it… Truth be told, after three months she had made no contact with him, meaning that the chances were slim to none to see her again. What name was she going by now? Sarah Charles? Jenny Irving? Sam Carmichael? He laughed bitterly at his pathetic self, how pretentious was it to think that she would choose a name that had a connection with him. For all he knew, his wife was long gone and Sarah Walker had made it clear that he had just been another assignment. She felt nothing for him. She tried to, he knew she did. She'd listened to their story, crying and laughing with him along the way. When she had asked him to kiss her, he thought that he had her back, that she would go home with him, that she would trust him. But she didn't. Once their kiss ended, she just left. He should have seen it coming anyway, when he kissed her, she had barely moved her lips while her hands stood at her sides. Not the kind of kiss he and his wife used to share. Sarah Bartowski would have grabbed his shirt with one hand while the other would have rested on his neck, jaw or in his hair.

He let out another long and tired sigh. Damn, he missed her so much. And now she was probably miles away from him in God-knows-where-ica, risking her live to save the World, still not remembering him, still un-oblivious of how great they were together, how much they loved each other. His life sucked without her, it was meaningless. Or course, he had Morgan, he had a job. And he was back at being the looser he was before Sarah Walker entered his life. He still had the Intersect but he wasn't part of the CIA anymore, so the computer in his brain was useless.

But let's be honest, he was lonely. Morgan had Alex, Casey was still running away with Gertrude and Ellie and Devon had moved away to Chicago and they were happy there… Well, there was Ella, the CIA operative. The tall brunette was assigned at the orders of Diane Beckman to protect him. He didn't know if the protection was just a way to keep an eye on him even if he was out of the CIA. But Beckman had insisted that even though nobody knew that he was the Intersect again, it would be safer for him to have small and discreet protection. The poor Ella was now stuck with her cover as a Buy More employee. She was good looking, at least all the other nerds thought so. Chuck just didn't care how she was looking, she was just not Sarah. They had no cover, as far as everyone knew, she was just a Buy More co-worker renting John Casey's apartment. They shared a car every morning to go to work, she always tried to lift his spirit up. She was funny and nice, hadn't she been CIA, she could have been a good friend, but Chuck knew better than to get involved with anyone at the CIA. He had learnt that lesson the hard way. Multiples times.

He got up from his chair only to crawl on his bed, grabbing Sarah's pillow and holding it against his chest. It no longer smelled like her but he kept hugging it anyway. He knew he was probably looking like a sad teenage girl but he didn't care. He had lost the love of his life, he had to be allowed to mope around for as long as he wanted.

He was mad at himself because he had taken her for granted. Slowly he couldn't remember how she smelled, the sound of her laughter… it was all getting blurry now. He should have paid more attention when he had the time, he should have spent every minute by her side, never letting her go. Maybe he didn't love her enough, maybe he wasn't enough for her. Not enough for her to remember. Deep down, he always knew it was too good to be true, that this beautiful, sexy, funny and smart woman would fall in love with a guy like him, a nerd. Maybe it was true, what she had told him in their dream house, that she had been a good liar. Maybe she didn't remember those five years simply because it was all fake for her. No… No, he couldn't think like that, he couldn't be mad at her. It was not her fault that she had lost her memories. He couldn't blame her for something she had no control of. If everything, it was his fault, he should have protected her. She had lost her memories because she had downloaded the Intersect to save her life and Casey's while Quinn had kidnapped him. It was his fault, Quinn had taken him so easily, he didn't even put up a fight. And Sarah had done what she always had, save him. God, he missed her so much. They say that the pain lessened with time, they were wrong, it was even worst.

There was a loud bang at the door but he didn't care. If wasn't up to see anyone, not even Morgan.

"Open up Chuckles, I know you're in here." He heard after another round of heavy knocks... or kicks.

Chuck sighed… Carina… What the hell was she doing here? It's been months since he had last seen her. Was she in trouble? Did she know about what happened to Sarah?

He quickly got up and made his way to open the door, he knew she would likely break it open if he didn't.

"What took you so long?" She asked, making quickly her way inside and towards his bedroom.

Chuck held the doorknob dumbfounded, mouth agape. Maybe he was hallucinating, or was he dreaming? Carina was caring a body over her shoulder… and it was Sarah.

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Please let me know what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

Hi! Thank you for your reviews for the first chapter! I didn't think I would get this much! Here's the second chapter, keep the reviews coming, I love to read from you!

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"Snap out of it and get in here Chucky." Carina shouted from his bedroom.

Chuck closed his mouth and the front door. He shook his head a little to try to regain some senses. What the hell was Carina doing here and more importantly, why was she caring Sarah who seemed to be unanimated on her shoulder? What was going on here?

He finally got his feet to move towards the bedroom. Thousands of questions were running in his head and his stomach was quivering at the thought of seeing Sarah again after such a long time.

"Boy she's heavier than I remember." Carina stated, carefully easing Sarah onto the bed.

Chuck paused in the hallway. Was it a party gone wrong and Sarah was so drunk that Carina had to carry her? The former CATs sure knew how to party. But where were the rest of the team? Well just where was Zondra? He couldn't help but smiled that the thought of seeing Sarah waking up next to him after her bachelorette party and how cute she looked, all tired and mumbling. He loved Sarah in the morning. Well he loved her all the time but his morning time with her was probably his favorite time of the day. There was something special about her in that moment, as if she hadn't had time to build her walls up yet, when she was fragile and vulnerable, when she was just Sarah and not the greatest CIA spy. When all he wanted to do was wrap his arms securely around her and protect her from the rest of the world. Or just kiss her until they couldn't breathe. But right now, this is not what was happening. Carina didn't seem drunk at all, so there was another explanation to what was going on and he feared that it wasn't a fun one.

Chuck made the few steps separating him from his bedroom but stopped dead in his tracks at the door frame. He couldn't believe the scene before his eyes. Was it a nightmare he had yet to wake up from? Carina was cutting Sarah's shirt open with a knife, revealing a massive bruise on her ribs and several cuts on her stomach. Chuck wanted to throw up so he turned his head away.

"Don't be a prude, you've seen her naked before." Carina told him, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She too hated to see her friend like this but now was not the time to feel sorry, it was time to help her.

Chuck looked at her straight in the eyes to prevent from looking at Sarah. "I… She… huh… It's…" He mumbled.

"Yes, she's really hurt but she's going to be okay." Carina tried to reassure him.

"What… what happened?" He asked, still not daring to look at Sarah.

"She got abducted, they tortured her for information. Give me one of your shirt and the first aid kit." The DEA agent ordered.

Chuck obliged, quickly grabbed one of his long sleeve white shirt and gave it to Carina before hurrying to the bathroom to retrieve the first aid kit that he put on the bed next to Sarah. Carina took it and started to work on Sarah's multiple wounds. That's when he finally looked at her and his insides twisted. She had a black eye, a nasty bruise on her jaw, a small cut on her throat, some others on her arms. Hopefully, all her cuts didn't seem to be too deep. Her perfect skin was very pale. Her wrists showed signs of burns, probably caused by a rope to tie her up. The bra she was wearing was all bloody and Chuck eyes slowly drifted back to the bruise on her ribs. He was no doctor but she probably had a broken rib… or two. He didn't know when, but Carina had discarded her skirt and his eyes could travel down Sarah's body. More cuts on her stomach and legs and burns again on her ankles. Tears filled Chuck's eyes, she was so badly hurt… He had never seen anything like this.

"She… she needs a hospital." He stated, tears blurring his vision.

"No. Whoever is or was after her won't find her here. It's the safest place. She'll be okay, she just needs rest." Carina explained calmly.

"Just rest? Carina look at her! She's a mess… there's blood… God, there's so much blood…" He said, panic rising inside of him.

Carina put a hand on his arm and said: "She'll be okay. Walker's a fighter, you know that. Just breathe."

Chuck slowly nodded and she continued: "I've cleaned up her wounds and now you're going to help me put that shirt on and put her under the covers."

They worked in silence until Sarah was resting under the covers and Chuck finally asked: "Who did this? What happened? How did you find her? Why did you bring her here?"

Carina smiled and shook her head a little. Some things never changed and Chuck's flow of words definitely didn't.

"We check on each other every two days, when Sarah didn't, I called Beckman so she could get intel on her status with the CIA. For some reason, good old Diane cares for Sarah. I didn't wait for the answer and got on a plane, activated the GPS tracker on her phone. When I landed, the CIA said she had been missing work for two days. Tracked her down in an abandoned warehouse, took care of the two bastards hurting her and brought her here because she kept whispering your name before she passed out." She explained while Chuck listened carefully.

"Who is after here?" Chuck asked.

"Don't know but they sure are amateurs. Didn't get rid of her phone, no protection at the warehouse, really easy to kill. Amateurs." She told him.

"Amateurs certainly don't torture CIA agents for no reason." Chuck told her.

Carina took something from her back pocket and handed it to Chuck before saying: "Here, take this."

"Oh no, I don't do well with needles." He told her.

"Come on you big baby, it's just like an EpiPen, works like one. You better man up because she's gonna be in a lot of pain when she wakes up and she'll need the injections." Carina explained.

"What's in it?" Chuck asked, looking at the shots and holding it as if it was about to explode.

"Secret government cocktail of medication for injured agents or soldiers. She's gonna be out for a while, you need to give her two more every time she wakes up in the next few days." She explained.

"I can't… she… Carina, she can't be here. She'd rather be miles away from here, trust me." He told her before he got on his feet and started pacing in the room. Did Carina know everything that was going on? That Sarah didn't remember him, that she had left him? That they hadn't seen each other in three months? Well, if she didn't, it was time to let her know that her friend had lost her memories and that Chuck Bartowski was nothing more than a mark… a mission. That the wedding where she had been a maid of honor appeared to Sarah like something she had to do to complete her mission.

"Carina, she doesn't remember me. She doesn't… know… I… She's… It's over. We're over. She wouldn't want to be here." He managed to say without chocking.

Carina got up and grabbed him by the shirt: "Listen to me. She needs your help now. She asked for you. Whatever is going on between you two must be put on hold. She needs protection and she needs rest. Can you do that for her?"

"You don't understand…" He started but she tightened her grip on him and shook him a little before saying with a cold tone: "My friend needs help and if you don't want me to hurt you badly, you're gonna help her."

"O-okay, okay." Chuck managed to say and Carina continued: "You tell Agent Brunette to keep an eye on the house and you stay with Walker until she's better."

"Wait, how do you know about Ella?" He asked, taken aback that Carina knew about his protection details.

She let out a small chuckle and said: "I'm a DEA agent, I know everything. But what I don't know is if you're screwing her? Are you screwing her?" She asked, taking a menacing step towards him. He shook his head no before she added: "Just for the record, if I learn that you're screwing her, you'll end up in worst shape than Walker here."

"I'm not… I'm not doing anything…" Chuck started with an outraged tone.

"Good. I gotta run now." Carina said.

"Wait… what? You're leaving. You can't be leaving. No, no, no… don't leave." Chuck started to panic once again.

"I'm in a middle of a mission in Mexico, I can't stay. I'll check on her later. Remember, injections, rest and then painkillers. Oh, and ice for her jaw." She told him before exiting the room, leaving Chuck once again dumbfounded.

"Good to see you again Chuckles." Was the last thing he heard before the noise of the door slamming.

Chuck slumped on the bed next to Sarah, his face in his hands and his elbows resting on his knees. It all happened too fast, he was feeling lightheaded. It felt like his whole world has just been turned upside down. And she was here. And the pain just doubled now that she was here. It made him feel better to imagine her running across the world chasing criminals, doing what he knew she loved, being the best spy in the whole world. But that… seeing her hurt like that, it was more than he could handle. Guilt started creeping on him, it was his fault. He should have fought harder, he should have been by her side, to protect her, to have her back. Instead, he had just let her leave him, without even looking at her, so lost in his pain that he had forgotten about his vows to fight for her every day. He had plainly given up on her, on their love, on their dreams. Now he was just relieved that she couldn't remember their wedding because if she did, she would see the disappointment and the fraud that he really was. She said that she needed time to find herself, but since when did he listen to her? He never stayed in the car and no matter how many times she told him that they couldn't be together, he would never take no for an answer. And yet, he did. He didn't fight hard enough for her. Now she was hurt because of him. He was such an idiot.

He shifted on the bed so he could see her. He wiped the tears on his cheeks before brushing his fingertips lightly inside her palm and up to her wrist were used to be her charm bracelet, careful not to touch the part where her sink was red.

"I'm sorry Sarah." He whispered before brushing a strand of her hair away from her face.

He quickly removed his hand from her skin, as if she was burning him. He shouldn't be touching her, she probably wouldn't want him to. It was not right.

"I… huh… I hope you'll get better soon." He finally whispered.

He was straddled when he heard the front door open again. Maybe Carina had changed her mind and she was coming back.

"Helloooo neighbor." He heard Morgan shout happily.

Chuck sighed. It's not that he wasn't happy to see his best friend it's just that he couldn't hide Sarah and questions would come, questions he wasn't ready to answer. He wasn't even sure he had any answers at all.

"Oh, come on, don't tell me you're still moping on your bed. Dude you don't even sleep in that bed anymore." Morgan said making his way to Chuck and Sarah's bedroom.

Just like Chuck had done, Morgan stopped in his tracks when he saw Sarah lying on the bed.

"What is she doing here?" Morgan asked a little abruptly.

"Morgan…" Chuck warned.

"This is a disaster." Morgan said, shaking his head and rubbing his beard with a hand.

"Morgan…" Chuck repeated.

"No dude! I've been working 24/7 to get you out of your depression…" He started

"It is not depression." Chuck countered but Morgan continued: "Depression. Oh, it was depression, it is depression. What do you call not being able to sleep on your own bed or drinking yourself to sleep? Right depression."

"Stop saying depression." Chuck argued.

"You stop saying depression." Morgan replied.

"Alright." Chuck got up from the bed and put a hand on his best friend's shoulder, leading him to the living room.

Morgan crossed his arms and was about to talk but Chuck cut him off by saying: "I swear to God Morgan if you say depression once again I'm gonna hurt you."

"Okay, okay. What is Sarah doing here?" He asked.

"Carina brought her here. She said I had to take care of her."

"Carina was here?" Morgan's face lit up.

"Alex." Was the only name Chuck had to say.

"Right… Alex right." Morgan said before clearing his throat and adding: "So, what happened to her?"

"I have no idea…" Chuck started, he ran a hand through his hair and continued: "Carina said she's been tortured for information."

"Do you think it has something to do with the Intersect?" Morgan asked. There is was, the endless round of questions.

"I don't know. Listen Morgan… I don't know anything." Chuck replied, hoping to cut short the questions madness.

"Okay…" The bearded man replied, seeing that his best friend wasn't in the mood to talk.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to make it to the party tonight bud." Chuck told him, knowing his best friend would be disappointed.

"I figured. That's too bad man, Ellie and Awesome's old apartment was designed to host parties." Morgan said.

"Yeah… yeah, that's probably why I stopped counting how many you threw since they moved out and you and Alex moved in." Chuck commented.

"Not enough! Well, my friend, as much as I like talking to you, I must be on my way now. I'll check up on you later. Oh and don't sit on the bed and stare at her, it's creepy dude." Morgan stated before patting his best friend on the shoulder and leaving.

Chuck let his forehead hit the front door once it was closed and let out a loud sigh. What was he going to do now? What would happen when Sarah wakes up? Was he strong enough to face her? To talk to her? Treat her like a stranger when all he wanted to do was to hold her? Nope… he definitely was not and it scared him to no ends.


	3. Chapter 3

She was cold, but she was comfortable. It was a strange sensation really. She felt safe, that was something that hadn't happened in a long while now. Oh, and pain… she felt pain too, everywhere on her body. Her mind was hazy… Like when you wake up from a dream and you don't know if you're sleeping or not. But it was all slowly coming back to her… She's been tortured and Carina had rescued her. The last thing she remembered was hanging like a punching ball, keeping her mouth shut while they asked for information and then Carina had appeared out of nowhere. She had passed out when her friend had freed her after watching her kill those two bastards. She was glad that she had come up with this security protocol with Carina, if not she would probably be dead by now. There was no way she would have given up any piece of intel to those bastards. She would have rather died, she had nothing to lose anyway. She had hoped that they would kill her when the pain was too intense, when she was spitting and coughing blood. Even with her CIA training, she wanted the tortured to end. Everybody talks. Not when you have nothing to lose, not when you don't have anything to fight for. She was ready to take her secrets to her grave. It hadn't come to that, thanks to her super spy of a best friend.

She was now probably in a hotel room somewhere, she could feel the comfortable mattress supporting her body. She tried to open her eyes but she couldn't. Her eyelids were too heavy, her whole body was numb. She was tired… so, so tired… and that nagging pain, she wished it could go away. She mentally assessed her injuries, her jaw probably had an extended bruise but didn't seemed to be broken, she would have to try to make it work when she'll have more strength. Broken ribs, at least two given that every breath she was taking came with an excruciating pain. And cuts, she remembered those bastards used her own knifes to cut her skin. She was glad that Carina had taken care of them.

She attempted to open her eyes again but it wasn't successful. It was alright thought, she could go back to sleep so she wouldn't feel the pain and Carina was protecting her, she could take the luxury to let her guard down, at least for now.

She did what she did best when she wanted to feel calm and at peace: think about Chuck. It was him she was thinking about when she wanted to fall asleep. His smile, God she loved his smile. Every time she was trying to fall asleep, she imagined him being happy and smiling. Her mind always came back to that moment on the beach when he told her their story. The special light of the sunset made him even more handsome. And that smile of his… the smile that she had taken away by leaving him behind.

"Oh my God, is that really her?" She heard someone say excitedly. And all her senses were suddenly on the edge. That was not good. That was not Carina's voice. It was a female voice, but not Carina's. That voice was unknown to her. She wished she could open her eyes and protect herself from the probable danger, but she still couldn't, she was like frozen. Where the hell was Carina?

"Like, this is Sarah Walker, THE Sarah Walker, from the CIA." The same voice spoke again. Sarah felt trapped, she couldn't move and didn't know where she was. Maybe if she just stood still, nothing would happen to her because she wasn't sure she could handle another batch of hits, punches and cuts. And where the hell was Carina?!

"Oh my God, she's a freaking legend. Recruited super young, spy extraordinaire. Ex CAT's squad member. She masters the art of espionage, seduction, knifes throwing, hand to hand combat. All that with the body of a top-model." The voice added. Who was this woman talking? What did she want with her? Why was she sounding like a groupie? Had she dreamt it all? Carina had never rescued her and she was still held hostage? Was it another way to tortured her, making her feel at ease to extract information? Or maybe they thought this annoying voice would do the trick.

"Yeah, yeah, she's all that. But she's also caring and loving and even thought she wouldn't agree, she is damn funny. I must know, she used to be my wife."

That voice… that voice. She would never forget that sweet and warm voice. It was Chuck's. Her heartbeat accelerated when she realized that he was just next to her. She knew she had to control herself and her emotions otherwise her breathing would increase and the pain in her ribs would double, if not worst. As she regained control of her senses and body, she realized that the pain in her ribs was welcomed compared to the ache she was feeling in her heart as she acknowledged his words 'used to be my wife'. She knew how he felt now. Damn it hurt. She knew Chuck had a kind heart and she hoped that somehow, he was waiting for her. Him using the past tense made clear that he was past their marriage. She couldn't blame him.

"Yeah, I've read it in your file. But that's all in the past now. I mean, she's not the half the spy she used to be and she's definitely not your wife anymore..." The annoying voice added.

"Listen Ella, I think you should go." Chuck said gently.

So, that girl had a name. Ella. She was probably that brunette spy that Sarah had seen Chuck hanging with. Ella was a stupid name anyway and all her rambling was getting on Sarah's nerves.

"Okay, let me know if you need anything, you know I'm just a breath away." Elle told Chuck.

If she could, Sarah would have snorted. That girl was totally hitting on Chuck. If she could open her eyes, she was certain she would see her resting a compassionate hand on his arm or shoulder. Said hand that Sarah would like to break into little pieces. But she realized that she was not trying to seduce him… He was her asset. She was just playing Chuck like she had been taught during her CIA training. Had she fallen in love with him too? Well she would be severely compromised if that was the case. And who the hell was she to judge her spy abilities? Half the spy my ass, Sarah was certain that she still could smack her head into a wall without sweating.

"Thanks Ella." Chuck replied with the sweetness that characterized him but Sarah could hear something else, sadness or bitterness, but she wouldn't be able to tell until she could look into his eyes.

She heard Ella's steps leaving the room and she felt the mattress shifting and Chuck's scent filled up her senses. He had sat down on the bed next to her and let out a loud sigh. Sarah waited for his next move, hoping that he would lay down next to her and hold her. Even if it was just for a minute, she needed to feel his warmth engulfing her body. She missed him so much. She mentally encouraged and then begged him to hold her.

"Carina shouldn't have brought you here." She heard him say and her guilt came back to her full force. She had hurt him and didn't deserved him. She was probably the last person he wanted to see. How could she think that he would take care of her? That he still cared for her after everything that she had put him through. She didn't even have the right to be jealous of that stupid, rambling and unprofessional Ella.

That's the moment when her body decided to work again and respond to her commands. Her eyes fluttered open and her tears immediately blurred her vision, she was too tired to wipe it away. She could decipher Chuck with his back to her, holding his head in his hands. She wished she could get up, wrap her arms around his waist and rest her head against his back, letting his warmth comfort her and make her feel better. Unfortunately for her, it was not going to happen.

The pain in her body intensified again and it was too much for her to handle. Maybe he could give her something to make her feel better, he must have some painkillers somewhere in his house. Half a dozen would be enough. Even an icepack would be welcomed. She gritted her teeth and tried to control her breathing doing her best to endure the pain. Unfortunately for her, every breathe she took was worse than the one before. When it was finally too much, she let out a small moan and she whispered his name. She was relieved when he slowly turned to face her.

"Hey." He whispered back and she gave him the tiniest smile in answer before he wiped her tears away, thought that simple gesture made her cry even more.

"Are you in pain?" He asked and she slightly nodded before he added: "Carina gave me badass soldier injections for the pain."

Sarah nodded again, so glad that he had something stronger than painkillers. She made a mental note to thank Carina for that later. Chuck got up to retrieve the items and when he came back to the bed, she recognized the injections that would knock her out for several hours and help with the pain and her injuries. It was more than welcome, sleep meant no pain, no guilt and no feelings.

Chuck removed the covers from her body allowing her to see that she was wearing one of his white shirts. Paris. La Tour Eiffel. She suddenly felt a little dizzy and she knew what was happening. Another memory was coming back to her. It always started with a kind of dizzy spell. It's been a long time since the last one. She hated when a memory was making its way back into her mind because it always reminded her of what she had lost.

A bridge. Not being able to move. Gun shot. Hotel room with weird pink paint. Beckman. Chuck's lips. Covers being lifted. Feeling warm and safe. Chuck's hands. Shirt on the floor.

"Sarah?" Chuck's voice took her out of her memory. She looked at him and once again tears filled her eyes. She hated to be an emotional wreck. Specially in front of him. She had to summon her spy training and all her strengths to regain her composure before she looked at him.

"Don't cry. The pain will go away soon." He told her with a small smile. He was thinking that the pain was what was causing her tears. Good. He didn't need to know the truth. How could she tell him anyway? Causally in a conversation? She's been slowly recovering her memories but stayed away from him on purpose. She was crazy in love with him but he was better off without her. She couldn't tell him that. She wouldn't. Every time she thought that she might get a chance to earn his forgiveness, she remembered pushing him down the stairs in what was supposed to be their house. Once again, she felt her tears burning her eyes, she's had enough, she just wanted to sleep now.

She noticed that Chuck's hand holding the injection which was supposed to send her into bliss was just above her thigh but he was hesitating. Slowly, her hand came on top of his hand and she pushed it against her skin. His hand was warm, it felt so nice. His touch sent tingles all over her. He pushed the medication into her body and she knew it would be just a matter of time before she would be out.

"You're freezing." She heard him say as he unfortunately removed his hand from any contact with her and pushed the covers back on her. She watched him as he got up from the bed and reached for an extra blanket and added it on top of the one already on the bed. After making sure the cover was well adjusted, he turned and made his way to the door. She noticed how carefully he was avoiding looking at her.

Her resolve was now clear, as soon as she could get up from this bed, she would leave and then call Carina and yell at her for bringing her to Chuck's. Seeing him almost ignoring her, seeing him being over her, it hurt too much. After that, she would have to leave California, go back to D.C. and put her history with Chuck behind. Get a new name, do whatever work the CIA would allow her to. Or maybe she would just quit and live the simple life in a little town. Or she could get back to being a con artist. Being a fraud was what she was best at anyway.

Her eyelids fluttered closed and she did not fight it, welcoming the numbness invading her body and brain as she fell into a deep blank sleep.

Chuck was resting a shoulder against the door frame, looking at her. He knew that she couldn't see him but could she sense him, he didn't know. She was falling asleep now, which was good, she was in so much pain he couldn't stand to look at her. She tried to hide it behind her Agent Walker mask but he knew her. He knew she was hurting and it killed him. He wished he could have done more to comfort her but he knew he was just a stranger to her. Who would want a stranger telling you that you're going to be okay, that he'll take care of you and kiss you on the forehead when someone used your body as a punching ball? Apparently, no one.

He let out a small sigh, he didn't know what to do. Should he fight for her? Tell her once again that he loved her, beg her to stay, ask for another chance? But he would only end up with disillusion and disappointment when she will turn him down and leave him. He would leap into what Morgan called depression again. No, he had to play it cool, detached. Just as if she was just an old acquaintance visiting Burbank. No big deal. No begging, no hoping, no wondering. This was Sarah Walker, not Sarah Bartowski. He had to prevent any physical contact, eyes contact for more than two seconds. No unnecessary talking, his tone would have to remain distant and calm. He would summon his Charles Carmicheal around her. She probably wouldn't want to stay for too long so he could do it. He could manage to be just a cool old acquaintance of Sarah Walker. He had to be, his mental health was at stake.

He watched her sleep for some time, how long he didn't really know, nor cared. He wondered what their married life could have been. What their lives could have become if she hadn't lost her memories. Maybe she'd be pregnant. They'd go and visit Ellie and Devon in Chicago from time to time. They would be happy, that was for sure. Now they were just two strangers, he hated it. He hated what his life had become, he hated the CIA, he hated Burbank, the Intersect, he hated Carina for bringing Sarah back into his life. He hated that she had been tortured. He hated that he couldn't hold her and make her feel better. Suddenly, he flashed Kung-Fu. He hadn't flashed in months and it hurt like hell. Giving one last look at Sarah, he made his way to the bathroom to get some painkillers.

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So? Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

She awoke again. She had lost all notion of time. She didn't know what time it was or how long she had slept. It could have been hours, days, months since Carina rescued her, that she had been sleeping in Chuck's bed, she had no idea. It was terribly wrong because she was a spy and she should have known. Her instincts should have worked but it didn't. She didn't know if it was because she was hurt or if she just felt safe and protected in this bed. She chose the first option because she had sworn not to let herself feel anything for this bed, for this house or for Chuck.

She was feeling better now. She believed that if she got up from the bed she could gather her clothes and leave. She wanted to keep Chuck's shirt but that was against her own rules of not feeling. But before gathering her clothes, she would have to first gather her courage and strength to move from under the covers.

She slowly rolled on her side, the one who still had intact ribs and fought against the piercing pain in her other side. Broken ribs for sure didn't like to be moved. She remembered the multiple hits of one of her captors. One liked to punch and the other liked to cut and both liked to watch. Nausea hit her at that thought, so she tried to concentrate on moving again. She pushed on her arm and elbow to reach an almost sitting position and slowly moved her legs over the side of the bed. She took long and deep breaths until the pain became manageable. She needed a shower, no she craved a hot long bath and food and probably wine too. She hadn't had any of it since those three bastards kidnapped her. Three. Three? No, no, she had to be wrong. She closed her eyes and concentrated, thinking about the day she was abducted, she was positive there was three men. But in the warehouse, they were only two. Carina had taken down two. So that meant one of them was still at large, still searching for her, for answers.

She didn't know how long she had been in Chuck's house but she had to leave as soon as possible. This man had found her once, he could do it twice and he would probably come back with more men and more weapons. That meant Chuck would be in danger and she couldn't allow that.

She looked around, trying to locate her clothes and once she did, she decided to test her feet on the ground. She got up with a small groan, focusing on her breathing to block the pain. She moved at the end of the bed and sat down on it again after grabbing her pants. Her shirt was ruined so she was stuck with Chuck's after all. Never in her life had she taken so long to put pants on. It was painful but everything she had in mind was to leave this place. To protect Chuck against whoever was after her and to protect herself from her past and her emotions.

Hopefully she was able to put her shoes on without too much pain or effort. She looked out of the window and realized it was probably the middle of the day, that meant that Chuck was probably at work. She was safe to leave without him noticing. She decided that she would leave him a note, letting him know that she is alright but had to leave, thanking him for his good cares.

She got up again, feeling a little lightheaded and wobbly and slowly walked to his desk, looking for pen and paper. That's when she saw it. Divorce papers. She lost her balance and grabbed onto the chair for support. She closed her eyes and fought her tears. She tried to breath but it came ragged, increasing the pain in her ribs and chest. Torture she could handle but that, she wasn't sure she could. But she had to, she knew she had too. As much as it hurt, it wasn't worth putting his life in danger. He had moved on, she had to respect that. She collected herself and with shaky hands she took a pen and a post-it note. She wrote her thank you / goodbye note and moved the pen over the divorce papers. She hesitated for a moment. This is what he wanted. She didn't but that was beside the point. No matter her memories or her feelings she had decided to put his well-being first. This is what he wanted. She could sign those damn papers. She had hidden her feelings for him from everyone including herself during months, she could do it again. She was trained for this, to put her feelings aside, to think about the happiness and security of others before her own. She finally signed the papers, she had never felt so disgusted with herself in a long time. She dropped the pen next to her signature. Without thinking, she had signed Sarah Bartowski. She dried her tears, now was time to leave this place for good. She gradually made her way to the door of the room, taking her time and holding herself with one hand against the wall, and the Tron poster as well. She opened the door and found herself in the hallway, still holding the wall for support. The exit of the Echo Park complex felt million miles away, she wondered if she would be able to make it before nightfall at this pace.

Once she reached the end of the hallway, she visually checked the living room. Giving her the opportunity to rest a little. As presumed, it was empty and she was relieved. Now all she had to do was to get to the front door. She waited a little, resting her shoulder and side of the head against the wall. She closed her eyes and breathed through the pain once again. She was feeling like she was a prisoner trying to escape jail when this place was her home. Used to be her home. It was so hard to let go but she had signed the divorce papers that Chuck had in his room, there was no turning back.

She pushed herself off the wall and stepped into the living room. Without the support of a wall, the walk to the door seemed impossible. She lost her balance but was caught at the waist and found herself pressed against someone.

"If it isn't my favorite whore." A man declared with amusement in his voice.

Sarah's vision became blurry, the man was now pressing on her injured side. She struggled against him but it was in vain, she was trapped and she had not strength left to pick up this fight.

"Now you're going to tell me what I want to know, where is it?!" He told her, tightening his grip a little more.

"Screw you." She replied through gritted teeth.

The man groan and grabbed her by the throat, pushing her against the wall and squeezing the oxygen out of her.

"Is this how you want to die?" He asked her.

She honestly didn't care if she died or not, she just didn't want it to be in this apartment.

"Tell me now!" The man grew agitated and impatient and she just smirked at him, testing him, taunting him. If he killed her, she was certain she would never talk, she just had to push him a little more and her secret would be safe.

She was really close from passing out when suddenly the front door flew open, revealing Ella followed by Chuck. She wasn't really sure about what was happening but in a snap, the man was on the floor and Chuck was holding her. She coughed severely causing her ribs to send waves of pain through her body. She couldn't help but groaned in pain.

"You're okay." He told her as she struggled to bring back oxygen in her lungs.

He stepped away from her, much to her distress but kept holding her forearms so she wouldn't lose her balance.

"I'll take care of him." Ella stated but Sarah barely heard her.

"Can you walk?" Chuck asked her gently with his eyebrows furred indicating that he was worried or upset… or both.

She nodded and he helped her walk to the couch. Once she sat, he made a quick run to the kitchen to get her a glass of water and bring it back to her. She thanked him with a small nod and he sat next to her, angling his body so that they would almost face each other. Somehow, she heard to front door shut and she turned her head to see that the spot where her aggressor previously laid was now empty.

"Are you okay?" Chuck asked with concern.

"I'm good." She replied, her voice raw and quivering.

He snorted and murmured: "Barely…"

She decided to ignore his comment and she asked: "How did you know he was here?"

"Motions detectors, sensors on doors and windows, vibration and sound detectors... As soon as he entered, an alarm appeared on my phone. I was just at Ella's and we walked here or actually raced here."

She nodded simply, not really knowing what to say.

"Sarah… Why were you up? Were you leaving?" He asked, looking a bit hurt.

She could lie to him and tell him that she had heard the guy breaking in, but she didn't want to. She was already lying to him big time not letting him know that she had some of her memories back.

"I… huh… yes. I was." She said, avoiding looking at him.

"But you're still in bad shape and you need to rest." He stated, he probably wanted to be nice. He was always nice.

"Listen Chuck, thank you for taking such good care of me. But I must leave, me being here puts you at risk and I really need a shower and a change of clothes." She told him, ending her sentence with a smile, trying to look casual.

"Why are they after you?" He asked. He was so serious, almost professional, it didn't feel right to her.

"I don't know." She lied.

"Still not a very good liar." He told her, shaking his head.

She smiled a little and said: "It's classified."

"The guy was chocking you to death, he really wanted an answer. Tell me, maybe I can help you." He tried to push a little.

She looked down and mumbled: "He was looking for what they are always looking for… The Intersect."

"But you're not the Intersect anymore, why come after you?" He asked.

She let out a sigh and explained: "Word on the bad guy street is that there is still an Intersect somewhere. They thought it was me, since Quinn let the world know that I was his whore weapon."

"Don't say that." Chuck cut her off.

She shrugged as she felt tears filling her eyes as she remembered what happened. How she had hurt the people she loved and she said: "It's the truth Chuck."

She smiled weakly at him before continuing: "When they found out I was just a normal human begin, they asked where the Intersect was, over and over again, hoping I would talk."

"But you didn't." He said.

"I didn't." She replied.

"But everybody talks. You always agreed with Casey on that point." Chuck tried to understand.

"Well… not everybody… depending on what the secret is and what you have to lose if you give it up or you don't." She tried to explain.

"You went through all that pain because of me?" He asked.

"I had to make sure no one would find the Intersect." She replied, trying to sound as professional as she could.

"You had nothing to lose if you had ratted me out. Why didn't you? I'm a nobody to you Sarah." He told her with a mix of anger and sadness.

"I'm a trained CIA agent, I swore to protect CIA's assets and secrets. I just did my job." She told him in a tone that made her sound like a computer.

"Your job. Of course." He nodded.

"Chuck, I have to go. I told you I can't stay here, others will come after me and if I'm here they'll find you, they'll find what they are looking for." She explained.

"I doubt that." He mumbled.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"The Intersect, it's not properly working. Actually, it's not working at all." He replied.

"I don't understand." She said.

"It already happened before. I… I… couldn't flash. To make a long story short, there was something blocking me from using it properly and once I moved past it, it was working again. Now it's just not working and I don't want it to be fixed because it can't be fixed like before." He tried to explain without getting into the details of how his feelings for her had been a trigger for him.

This wasn't part of the memories she had recollected and decided not to push. It seemed like Chuck had moved on from the Intersect, from the CIA and from their marriage.

"Well, even if the Intersect is not working, no one can know it's in your head so I still have to leave. I should get going." She said, starting to get up from the couch.

Chuck got up and helped her by holding one of her arm for support when he saw her wince. He knew that she was in a lot of pain but he also knew that she was suborn and if she wanted to leave, nothing could hold her back. Nothing could hold Sarah Walker back.

He was torn, her wanted her to stay but he wanted her to leave as well. Seeing her was hard on him, all his memories with her, his projects for their future… Seeing her reminded him everything he had lost. But he still loved her. He still ached for her. Seeing her in pain like that and having her next to him, he just wanted to hold her and never let her go. But this was her decision, her life, the life that didn't include him in her plans. He had to let her go. He didn't want to but he had to engrave in his brain that the beautiful woman in front of him was the Sarah Walker who came into the Buy More to fake fix her phone. She didn't know him, he was just an asset to the CIA in her eyes. He was not her husband. Not the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It killed him and that's why she had to leave, the realization was way too painful for him.

"Carina is going to kill me for letting you leave, you know that right?" He asked.

Sarah smiled and said: "I'll be sure to let her know it was against the doctor's orders."

"Let me give you a ride home." He proposed. She was leaving again and he knew that was probably the last time he would see her. He just wanted to spend a little more time with her, just one last time.

"Chuck, you don't have to. I'll just take a cab." She replied.

"Well, it's the least I can do after you endured torture to keep my secret safe." He said with a smile.

She hesitated for some seconds. She was going back to DC and never seeing him again. If she could spend an hour or less with the man she secretly loved, maybe be it'll be easier to say goodbye.

"Okay." She finally told him.

"Great, let's go." He replied with that smile of him that made her melt. Saying goodbye was not going to be easy.

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I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you feel and what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

The ride to Sarah's place had been hard for him. He had kept giving sideway glances to see how she was doing and he could tell she was hurting much more than she led on. He wasn't even sure if she was supposed to be up on her feet at all. Ellie would kill him if she knew that he had let Sarah leave their bed given the extend of her injuries. What could he do anyway? She had chosen to leave, there was nothing he could do about it.

She had kept her eyes closed, leaning her head against the window. He had apologized for every bump in the road that made her groan almost inaudibly. But he knew her and how she clenched her jaw and tried to control her breathing when she was hurting and what exactly what she was doing.

She had given him an address and he was driving there, not really concentrating on the road ahead of him but on the woman next to him. Many times, he had wanted to rest a comforting hand on her tight or make a U-turn to the closest hospital, but he never did.

They finally reached their destination and Chuck was a little stunned. In front of him stood a crappy motel. Not the fancy place Sarah used to stay in before they moved in together, it was more like that motel in Barstow. He immediately blocked any thought linked to their time in Barstow, specially to that morning. No, he couldn't go there. It would be way too devastating for him.

He helped Sarah out of the car and she whispered her room number. He had pick the lock as she had requested, her personal belongings lost she didn't have the key to her room and the walk to the reception would be far too long.

"You're good at this." She told him with a small smile as he opened the door.

"I had the best teacher." He replied with a smile but clarifying: "It was you. You're the one who used to pick the locks during our missions and eventually you taught me."

He helped her inside and they walked to the bed where she sat.

"Thank you. For everything." She told him, avoiding his gaze.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? The threat had been neutralized. You'd be safe there." Chuck tried.

"I'm okay." She replied in a typical Sarah Walker style.

"Okay." He conceded with a sigh before adding: "I should get going then."

He turned and walked to the door. He grabbed the handle but stopped. He couldn't leave her like that. She was hurt, alone and far from okay despite what she pretended to be. She was his wife for God's sake, he couldn't leave her like that. Even if she didn't remember him, even if she had left, she was still his Sarah.

He let the handle go and turned to face her. She was still on the bed, staring blankly at the floor.

"Listen, I'm going to stay. And before you argue that I should leave, I want to tell you that it's okay. I know you don't remember me, I know you don't feel it… us… and it's okay. I'm okay with that, I'm totally done with whatever happened between us. I just want to help you, you know… See me as a fellow CIA agent trying to help his colleague. Sarah, I can't let you like that. I wouldn't leave anyone alone when I could help them. Let me help." He rambled as she kept looking down. Something was not right with her. Of course, she was hurting and probably tired but she was not the Sarah he knew. Not Sarah Walker, not Sarah Bartowski. There was something else going on here.

"Okay." Was her only answer.

"Good." He replied, a little taken aback by the fact that she hadn't fought him on the subject.

He shook his head and thought out loud: "Hmm… Let's see… How about you take a shower or bath while I go looking for something to eat for dinner?"

"Sounds good." Sarah told him, unemotionally.

He walked to the bathroom and she heard him turning the water on and he reemerged with a smile on his face saying: "Bath it is."

For the first time since he had entered the room he looked around. No personal belongings, just a small suitcase resting on the floor. It made sense to him, she had often told him that spies traveled light and he remembered how long it took her to finally really settle down when she moved in with him.

Sarah got up from the bed and slowly walked to her suitcase to retrieve sweat pants and a shirt. When she got up with much pain and difficulty, she found herself face to face with him, their bodies almost touching. He was there in case she lost her balance. She did not look into his eyes as she clutched her clothes tight against her chest. He had said it. That he was done with her, with what happened between them. That he had moved on. She couldn't look at him because if she did, she would probably burst into tears. She was trying to maintain her spy blank face but she was at the verge of breaking down.

She could feel the warmth of his body and all she wanted was to rest her head against his shoulder and make it all go away. All the pain, all the heartache.

"Your bath must be ready milady." He joked before heading to the bathroom.

She smiled slightly even though she immediately missed his proximity and she carefully made her way to the bathroom. Didn't he sense it? How much she needed him, how much she cared for him? All he had to do was hold her and she would let go, she would tell him that she loved him. But the picture of the divorce papers popped in her mind, he was done with her and she had to respect that. "You're all set. Take as much time as you need, just relax." He told her with a smile.

"Thank you." She murmured as he walked past her and out the bathroom.

She discarded her pants and Chuck's long sleeve shirt that she was still wearing and looked at her body in the mirror. A long succession of bruises and cuts everywhere. She stood there, in her black underwear for a moment, looking blankly at an empty space. She could feel the tears filling her eyes, she was so tired of it, so tired of crying and yet she couldn't help it. She missed being able to block her emotions and not feel anything, these times where much easier. She shook her head, trying to shake her emotions away. She had to go on and it was starting by a long hot bath that would help her relax.

She tried to reach behind her to unclasp her bra but the sharp pain she felt coming from her ribs wouldn't allow her to do so. She tried again but groaned in pain and cursed.

"Sarah, are you okay in there?" She heard Chuck asked.

She tried again, reaching just with one hand and failed again. "Damn it." She sighed and the tears were here again and she hated it. She was feeling so unpowerful, so weak, she couldn't even unclasp her damn bra.

"Sarah?" Chuck called again.

"I'm… I…" She tried to say but she couldn't form a coherent sentence.

She cleared her throat and said: "It's just that I can't… huh… unhook… huh." God, she felt so stupid.

She heard the bathroom door open and she looked in the mirror, seeing Chuck standing behind her, staring right back at her through the same mirror.

"Let me help you." He told her softly.

She closed her eyes with a small nod and she felt his hand graze her skin down her shoulder blade. He slowly and expertly unhooked her bra. He gently pressed his palm against the skin of her back. It felt so good, so warm, so soft and soothing. She kept her eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of his hand on her skin, his scent feeling her nose. All her senses surrendered to him. Time seem to still in that moment and she wouldn't have it any other way. Then his hand went up slowly, pushing the straps down her shoulders one by one while she pressed her hands on her chest to prevent the item to fall at her feet. It was silly, he had seen her naked before but things had changed between them. She suddenly felt dizzy and then came the feeling of déjà vu. She lost her balance and he caught her by securing an arm around her waist. The memory hit her. A shower, both in underwear, soap… his hands on her body. Poison. Jill. She remembered the feeling of hurt when his had looked all goofy and smiley when he told her Jill kissed him.

"Sarah?" His concerned tone brought her back to reality.

"Just a little light-headed." She half-lied to him in response.

"You have to get food into your system." He told her, almost in a whisper before letting go and stepping away from her. She wanted to whimper for the loss of his heat, now she just felt cold and empty.

"As promised, I'll get us something to eat." He told her. She nodded, unable to talk. Now she was feeling it. How difficult it was to be in love with Chuck Bartowski when she couldn't act on it. Back then it was because of her job and the CIA, now it was just for other reasons. It was even more difficult now, now that she knew how amazing it was to be in love and to be loved by this amazing guy. She had felt it all, the butterflies, the shivers… His touch was both warming and electrifying. It didn't matter that her brain lacked memories, her body knew, remembered and reacted to him. Chuck left the bathroom and closed the door and almost ran to his car. He sat down in the driver's seat and smashed his forehead against the steering wheel.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid." He repeated as he kept bumping his forehead on the wheel. He shouldn't have touched her, he shouldn't have. He couldn't. It would open his fresh wounds and destroy him. His feelings for her, it was amazing if he could share it with her, otherwise it was just a ticking bomb that even the Intersect couldn't defuse. After what happened the beach, he was broken and it had taken a long time before he started to put himself back together again. If he allowed himself to feel for her, he knew he would go down that destruction path again and Morgan would kill him.

He had to put physical distance between them for his sake. He had to look cool and detached, maybe even sound professional. Like Charles Carmichael used to be. He could do it.

He sighed and started the car in search of food and painkillers.

When he came back to the motel, nearly an hour after he left, he found Sarah sleeping on her bed. Of course, she opened her eyes the second he stepped in, her spy senses in alert. She eased up on the bed when she saw that he was back.

He closed the door with his foot and said: "Pizza, no olives, water and painkillers, ingredients for a perfect evening."

She smiled at him, she seemed more relax which was good but she still looked pale and terribly tired.

He put everything he had bought on the bed and opened the pizza box for her. She picked a slice and thanked him. He sat on the bed, facing her and careful not to touch her and dug into the pizza as well.

They ate in silence until it was too awkward for him and he asked: "So… what have you been up to these days?"

She smiled at his attempt at small talk and gladly answered: "Nothing much, just the job."

"So you're back at being a kick ass ninja CIA spy running around the world then, it's good." He told her with a smile.

"Not really. I'm just a Senior Analyst." She replied truthfully.

"Oh." He said before adding: "I thought that… you know, you are staying in a motel and the suitcase… I just assumed that… I'm sorry."

"It's okay." She reassured him with a smile before continuing: "I'm not cleared for field work yet. After everything I did, I think they need to learn how to trust me again, and I can't really blame them."

"Well, they are crazy for not letting you go back out there. You are the best spy the agency ever had." He stated with a nod. He kept mentally repeating himself that he had to stay cool, detached and professional.

"Thank you Chuck." She told him and she quickly changed the subject: "What about you? What have you been up to?"

He cleared his throat and said: "Well, I'm working at the Buy More with a broken Intersect in my head. Although I'm not an asset anymore, the CIA wants to keep an eye on me, for my protection."

"So that girl who took out the guy trying to kill me is your handler?" Sarah asked.

"Not exactly, she's just an agent making sure I stay safe." He explained.

"Another cover girlfriend?" She asked. Yes, yes she was fishing for information, yes she was jealous. She hoped that she didn't sounds too jealous and just curious.

Chuck let out a small laugh and said: "No, nothing like that. I don't even think we're friends. She's a nice girl and a good agent but our relationship is purely and strictly professional. Besides I've learnt the hard way why relationships inside the agency are forbidden, so I wouldn't make that mistake twice."

Sarah looked down, hearing him calling what they had a mistake had drilled a hole into her chest. If she needed any more confirmation on where Chuck's heart was, it was now crystal clear. She had no reason to hope, it would be foolish.

"I'm leaving for Langley." She let out.

"Really? When? You're right, you should go and tell them that you belong in the field." Chuck told her with the best smile he could give her. He high fived himself mentally, that was cool, detached and professional.

"As soon as I can travel." She replied, doing her best to sound confident and strong.

Chuck had to leave as quickly as possible. She was leaving him. Again. Before it caused him a mental break down, he had to leave. Before he made a fool of himself, before he fell on his knees and asked for another chance.

He cleared his throat and said: "Well, I guess I really should get going now. I have to go to work early in the morning you know."

Sarah nodded, regretting that he was about to leave and that it was probably the last time she would see him.

"I guess this is goodbye then." He said, stretching his hand towards her.

She shook his hand and he said: "Goodbye Agent Walker."

He got up from the bed and left. Once the door closed, Sarah said: "Good bye Chuck." And she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

I know… I know…

This story is tagged with Angst/Romance, you've had (will have) the angst and so probably down the road there will be romance.

A very very big thank you to all the wonderful reviews (even the more passionate ones), I hope you'll keep letting me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

She knew that she wasn't supposed to be here. In this courtyard, sitting on the edge of this fountain. She knew it would make it harder for her to leave, to go back to Langley and start another chapter of her life, but she felt the need to say goodbye.

She had made sure no one who knew her was in the complex and she had sat down, facing Chuck's apartment. She knew she was playing with fire, being here, anyone could see her. Maybe that's what she wanted after all, that someone from her past would notice that she was remembering, that someone would to tell her not to leave.

She lost track of time as she cried soundlessly, unable to get up and leave. It seems that it was all she could do these days. Cry. Ever since he had left her motel she had been a wreck. She couldn't go back to work due to her injuries so all she had done was to lay in bed and try to remember more from her past. She knew she couldn't summon her memories so easily so when the frustration became too much, she tried to forget. Forget Chuck. She knew she had to let him go but unlike him, she couldn't find the strength to do so.

Now that she was feeling better, meaning that at least she could walk without showing she was in pain, she found herself sitting in front of his door. She was being called back to Langley and trying to say goodbye to a life she couldn't fully remember but that seemed closer to what she truly desired than being a spy. She was lost and torn but one thing was sure, she couldn't be Sarah Bartowski without Chuck Bartowski in her life so she was stuck at being Sarah Walker, CIA spy. And she wasn't sure that was really who she wanted to be.

"Sarah?" A questioning voice asked from behind her, startling her. Of course, she recognized who it was immediately. She got up quickly and dried her tears before turning back with a bright smile on her face. She was good at pretending, thanks to her CIA training and experience.

"Ellie! Devon!" She said, genuinely happy to see them yet she stood at a safe distance from them, quickly waving her hand to say hello. She really wasn't sure if she should hug them or not and it felt a little awkward. Ellie was probably still mad at her anyway.

Then she acknowledged her niece in Devon's arms and said: "Oh my God Clara, you've gotten so big!"

"What are you doing here?" Ellie asked with surprise.

Her tone burned down the feeling of happiness Sarah's been experiencing at the sight of her family. Of course Ellie would still mad at her, she had used her to get to Chuck, aimed a gun at her, hurt her little brother... and finally left all of them behind. After that, there was no way anyone would be welcoming, even Ellie. For a moment there, Sarah thought that she was still part of their family but she was just being foolish. She had no chance after everything she put them through.

Sarah cleared her throat, feeling like a kid being schooled and she said: "I was… huh… just saying goodbye."

"To a place you have no memories of?" Ellie asked, raising an eyebrow. The older Bartowski sibling couldn't be fooled, something was going on with Sarah, she clearly had been crying. What would she cry about if she didn't have something to cry about? Sarah Walker did not cry… but her sister in law could.

Sarah looked down, cleared her throat again and she heard Ellie say: "Devon, why don't you and Clara go inside, I'm going to talk with Sarah."

Sarah looked up at her former sister in law, surprised by her smooth tone. Devon passed by her, putting a comforting hand on her arm and giving her a smile before saying: "S'good to see you Sarah."

She smiled back at him and watched as he disappeared into Chuck's apartment. She was about to say something but the brunette cut her off, pointed at the edge of the fountain and ordered: "Sit."

Sarah did as she was told, she could have run away but she felt like she owed that talk to Ellie and part of her wasn't ready to let go yet.

"You're leaving him again." Ellie bluntly stated.

"I… it's…" Sarah tried to reply but Ellie added: "It's alright, he told me what happened to you, how you got hurt and Carina brought you here. That's why we're here actually. But something tells me you don't really want to leave."

Sarah smiled sadly and finally found the strength to talk: "He told me that he's over me, that falling for me was a mistake. And he's right Ellie, it seems like all I ever did was hurt him. We've had happy magical moments together but in the end… in the end, I let him down and I was foolish to believe that I deserved to be with him."

"Since when did you start remembering?" Ellie asked with a smile, she could read her sister in law like an open book and to hear her talk about happy magical moments, she knew something was going on.

Sarah looked down, she couldn't admit the truth and she couldn't lie to Ellie either. She decided to stay mute and to avoid Ellie's gaze at all costs.

"Have you experienced any dizzy spells, sensations of déjà vu, maybe vivid dreams?" Chuck's sister asked, her smile not leaving her face. Sarah's silence told her much more than words and she knew her sister in law was remembering pieces from her past and she couldn't be happier so she continued: "The trigger might be a sound, a touch, a smell maybe… It might be a little fuzzy but it's here. And you feel it. It's why you're here, isn't it? Because you feel it now."

There was a long moment of silence and Sarah said: "It doesn't matter anymore."

"Of course it does Sarah. If you remember, if you love him you must fight for him. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. It might feel strange for you right now but you and my baby brother are made for each other. He fought for your relationship in the past, now it's your time to fight." Ellie explained.

"He's done with me Ellie." Sarah retorqued.

The brunette snorted before saying: "Believe me, he's not. Hey, he should be back soon, Devon and I are going to the beach so why don't you come inside and wait for him?"

"I'm not sure it's a good idea." Sarah told her.

"You love him, don't you?" The oldest Bartowski asked. Sarah could only nod and Ellie added: "You have to talk to him and tell him how you feel. I know right now words and emotions are not your strong suit but believe me with the help of Chuck and with time you got better at it. You can do it Sarah."

"Okay." Was the spy's simple answer.

"Great! Let's go." Ellie almost squealed.

Both women got up and entered Chuck's apartment and Ellie stated: "Devon, we're going to the beach!"

"But honey we just came back from the bea-" Devon tried but Ellie cut him off, giving sideway glances towards Sarah: "We're going to be beach!"

"We're going to the beach!" He replied, finally getting on the same page as Ellie.

"You can do this Sarah." Ellie stated before leaving with her husband and her daughter.

Sarah slowly walked around the living room, looking at the pictures or the decoration. She tried to remember where and when the pictures had been taken but it didn't work like that unfortunately. After a while, she decided to sit on the couch, fidgeting with her fingers. What was she going to tell him? Was she supposed to beg and plead? To ask for his forgiveness and another chance? Or maybe she could just kiss him until they couldn't breathe to show him how she felt. She didn't know how to do this, how to express her feelings, she was afraid to mess it up.

Suddenly, the front door swung opened, revealing the man she loved with all her heart but she didn't know how to talk to. She got up quickly from the couch, a little startled. The sudden movement made her wince at pain coming from her injured ribs.

"Oh, hi Sarah!" He greeted, closing the door behind him and struggling to remove his messenger bag from around his torso.

"Hello Chuck." She said timidly, waiting for him to finally settle down and look at her.

"Have you come to twist a knife inside my guts once again?" He asked with a light tone.

It was definitely not how she had thought this conversation would start. Chuck slumped on the couch and sighed. Was it alcohol that she could smell? Had he been drinking?

"I was hoping we could talk." She tried, sitting on the couch next to him.

"Go ahead." He replied with another sigh.

She wasn't sure that having this conversation was a really good idea right now, he wasn't himself but he looked like he was not drunk as well. If she didn't do this now and left, she wasn't sure she would have the strength to do it again so she decided to talk to him.

She cleared her throat and said: "I know you are mad at me and you have every right to be. I know you moved on and I'm happy for you."

"Don't you have a flight to catch or something?" He interrupted her.

"I do… but I also want to talk to you Chuck." She told him, trying to stay calm.

"Yeah, yeah sorry." He waved at her to continue.

"What I'm trying to say is that… huh… I… what I'm trying to say… I… I have been experiencing some huh… things lately and… I know how you stand about us… but…" She fumbled with her words before being interrupted by Chuck letting out a long sigh.

She took a breath before continuing: "I was hoping that maybe… maybe… you… huh… you would be willing to… grab a drink or something."

She knew she was chickening out by not telling him how she felt but if he wanted to take the time to go out and spend some time with her, it meant that there was still some hope for her. They could go to a bar and she could tell him the whole truth.

She heard him snorting and he said: "Says the girl who signed the divorce papers and is leaving town. Are you playing a trick on me Sarah? Are you interested in the Intersect? Is it a fun new way to mess with me after the loss of memories episode?"

"I didn't lose my memories by choice, I did it to save you." She told him.

"You shouldn't have, you've ruined my life." He replied.

"You would have died if I hadn't put those damn glasses on!" She tried to explain, raising her tone.

"You would have been better off without me holding you back!" He told her.

"No… Chuck…" She tried to explain with a softer tone but he was up on his feet and he asked: "How many of them have you screwed?"

"What?" She got up as well. She was afraid to understand the meaning of his question, but she couldn't believe he would have such little faith in her.

He let out a laugh and said: "You don't remember but before we got together, you've screwed Brice, Shaw and that English snob all while you were supposedly in love with me. So, I wonder Sarah without your memories of me, of us, how many of them did you do the naughty with?"

Sarah's jaw dropped open and tears rolled down her face. She couldn't talk, she couldn't move, she wasn't even sure she could breathe. She just stared into his eyes and saw his anger and his pain. She was the reason why his sweet loving eyes had turned into something cold and distant. Hearing that he was thinking that she had been unfaithful to him, it hurt much more than anything else. She could blame alcohol but she knew some of his words were how he truly felt. It was hopeless now, she had to run.

She walked right past him and to the front door that was open, she barely noticed Morgan standing there. When had he walked in and how much did he hear? She didn't know and didn't care, she had to leave this place.

Morgan watched Sarah go and heard the loud thump of Chuck collapsing on the couch.

"Man, if you don't go after that girl, I'm gonna call Casey and ask him to kick your ass so hard you won't be able to sit for decades." The bearded man stated.

"She's gone." Chuck muttered. The look on Sarah's face made him realized that he had been too far and had him sober in seconds. He was such a stupid idiot.

Morgan gave him a slap on the head and said: "Get up and run after her you idiot! And apologize. Beg like you've never begged before in your life, tell her you're Team Leader in Team Douche Bag and ask for her forgiveness."

Chuck shook his head and said: "Morgan… what I said to her… it's awful… I hurt her… on purpose. I wanted her to feel as hurt as I am."

"Dude, it's not me you have to talk to, it's her. Run, Chuck Bartowski, run." Morgan told him, pointing to the front door.

Morgan was right, he had to talk to her and apologize. He got up and ran outside the door, she had already left the courtyard and he hoped that he could get to her before she drove away. He sped to the street and saw Sarah's car still parked. Relief flowed thought him as he realized that she was still here, that he had a chance to apologize.

He stopped to look at her, she was resting her head on the wheel and her shoulders were shaking. He couldn't believe he had been such an awful jerk. He had basically called her a slut, insinuating that she has slept with other men. She didn't deserve any of that. She hadn't lost her memories on purpose. But she had signed the divorce papers on purpose… What was he supposed to do now? Should he let her go or should he jump in front of the car and beg her to let him say how sorry he was? Should he take the risk to be rejected if he told her he still loved her? She had signed the damn papers and wait… wait… wait… did she just asked him out for a drink? Before he had been a total douche, did she…? No. She had signed the papers, there was no way there was still hope for them. Damn he was feeling like back in the days when she would be kind to him or kiss him and then pretend she didn't love him and put distance between them… A small smile crept on his face… No… it couldn't be. No. She could start her engine at any moment now and be out from his life forever… and he couldn't move. Chuck Bartowski had a small chance of trying to have the love of his life back in his life and he couldn't move. He saw her straightening up in her seat and heard the engine start. She was about to leave. She turned her head to where he was standing and they stared at each other. For a long minute, it seemed like they were frozen.

* * *

Will they? Won't they? Hmmmm… let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback, it's always very much appreciated.


	7. Chapter 7

Chuck shook out of his trans and ran to her car, he opened the passenger door and slid inside the car. He noticed her bags on the back seat, she was indeed ready to leave. He looked at her, she had dried her tears and was holding the wheel so tightly her knuckles were turning white. She was looking straight in front of her and he didn't need to look into her eyes to know that she was angry… really angry. And he couldn't blame her. He had to make this right, he knew something was going on with her. She was so emotional. Sarah without her memories, the woman that left him on the beach was nothing like the woman who was standing in front of him. She should be able to control her feelings, put her CIA mask on and it seemed like she couldn't. His only goal now was to comfort her. He had to put his own feelings on hold, all his pain and anger and just be there for her but first and foremost, he had to apologize for being such a massive ass.

"Sarah, I'm so sorry." He tried but she didn't budge.

He sighed and ran his hands on his face, searching for the right words to say to her.

"I'm a jerk and you have every right to be mad at me. What I said was totally uncalled for and, I'm sorry. I wasn't really myself and… I guess… well, you're leaving so… it's not easy… But I apologize for saying those things, all of them. I'm sorry." He told her.

Sarah did not move, she kept her gaze on the road before her but he noticed that her hold on the wheel was slowly loosening. He hoped that it was a good sign, either that or she was going to strangle him with her bare hands.

"I believe you came here to talk and I've treated you like… like… It doesn't matter what happened when you lost your memories… it wasn't your fault. If all, it was mine. I'm the one who got abducted like a helpless child and you had to save me… again. You always save me Sarah, always. I am grateful I had you in my life, even if it was for a short while. I mean, five years it's nothing compared to a whole human life or a tree's life… But it's something." Chuck added before looking at her and seeing her tears.

Damn he wanted to hold her so badly but instead, he slowly turned the ignition off and stood silent for a while. He knew better than to push Sarah into expressing her feelings, or push her into doing anything… so he just waited.

"There weren't any other men." She finally let out, letting go of the wheel and turning to look at him for the first time he had entered the car.

"It's okay, you don't have to justify you-…" Chuck started but she cut him off and added: "First he brain-washed me and made me forget everything about my life. Then I was sent on the mission to get the Intersect and eliminate you. After that, I hunted him to kill him, to make him pay for what he did to me. To us. And since then… well… there wasn't anyone. There was really no time for me to screw anyone like you said."

"I shouldn't have said that Sarah… I'm sorry." Chuck told her, running a hand through his hair.

"Do you believe me?" She asked. She needed to know. She needed to make sure he knew that she hadn't been unfaithful to him. That she would never be, with or without her memories.

"Or course I believe you Sarah." He replied truthfully and she was relieved to see his honestly in his eyes.

"Now I wish you still had those stupid glasses to forget I even dared to imply anything like that." He added, trying a joke that was doomed to fail.

Sarah looked down so he quickly added: "Do you want to come inside? We could start this conversation again. I mean, if you still have time before your plane. I don't want us to part ways being angry at each other. So maybe, I could get you that drink you talked about before?" He proposed.

She let out a small smile and said: "I'd like that."

They walked back to the house and both sat on the couch after Chuck had given Sarah a glass of water per her request and he got himself one too. They sat in an uncomfortable silence. Neither knew what to say to the other.

Chuck wanted to apologize again for being such a jerk but he would have to explain to her why he got so stupid and angry and the last thing he wanted was to look desperate. Truth was that since he had left her in her motel room he'd been a wreck. Seeing her again, it had made him go back to being heartbroken, alone and pathetic. The worst version of himself. Bitter, angry and sad mixed with alcohol didn't to do him any good. His life sucked without Sarah in it. Of course, he couldn't tell her that he was that gigantic looser without her.

After a long moment of being lost in his thoughts, he finally spoke: "How are you feeling? I mean… your injuries. It was pretty bad."

"I'm okay." She replied simply with a shrug.

There was another long and awkward silence. Finally, Sarah gathered her courage and opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She could kick any bad guy's ass, be the best CIA spy and yet, she couldn't talk to her husband… or ex-husband now. And why wasn't he talking? Saying stupid random things that made no sense? That could have help. But this silence… it was killing her and she was afraid that he would get up and finally ask her to leave since she had nothing to tell him. So she decided to talk a little more about her injuries.

She cleared her throat and said: "It still hurts a little, but it's much better now. Thank you again for helping me."

"Good. That's good. I'm glad. And you're very welcome." He replied.

The next long silence was too much for her to handle and she suddenly got up from the couch in one move, biting her tongue to hide the wince that was about to mark her face as the pain in her ribs reminisced her that she couldn't make those kinds of quick moves yet.

Chuck thought for sure that she was going to leave and he watched her carefully. She just stood in the middle of the room, fidgeting with her fingers.

"Was it easier for me before?" She finally asked, looking at him.

"Easier?" He asked, startled by her question and the fact that she was not leaving yet.

"Talking to you, was it easier?" She explained her question.

He let out a small smile and said: "Not at first but with time I'd like to think that yeah, you could talk to me about anything."

"Okay." She said with a long sigh before she added: "So… I… lately… I… seem to be a little lost… torn maybe. And… huh… I was wondering if maybe, you could help me figure some things out… with my life… with the CIA."

"Aren't you supposed to go to Langley by the way?" He asked again and she was irritated that he was bringing this up again.

"I am… but before I go, I want to make sure this is what I really want. If you are willing to help me than I can push back my departure. If you don't want to, which I would completely understand, then I'll be leaving as soon as I can." She explained him.

"Absolutely. I will help you if you need me to." He told her before Sarah added: "It's just that… You're clearly not my biggest fan right now and I would understand if you just want me out of your life for good, not just on papers."

Chuck got up and walked in front of her. She didn't dare to look up at him, afraid of what she might see in his eyes, she kept her gaze on her hands and she heard him say: "You were the love of my life."

Past tense. She felt her heart shattering and he continued: "I owe it to both of us to help you if you need me. That's what I did when Carina brought you back here. There's always a part of me that will care for you Sarah."

She nodded slightly and said: "I'm sorry I put you through so much. You didn't deserve any of it."

"How can I help you figure out what you need to?" He asked, not answering on purpose.

She had already figured out what she needed, she was in love with Chuck Bartowski but just like she had seen in her tapes, she didn't know what to do about it. It was him that she needed, his arms, his kisses, his love. Just him.

"I know you have a CIA agent protecting you and I was wondering if you could ask for her to be replaced." She asked him. Her plan seemed perfect, get to spend some time with Chuck, maybe manage to make him fall in love with her again and get rid of the competition. Two birds, one stone.

"Replaced?" Chuck asked, not really understanding where Sarah was going with this.

"Yeah, replaced by me." She finally told him, biting her lower lip as she was anxious for his reaction.

"Hmm, yeah… I could probably do that… would it help you?" He asked.

She let out a sigh and said: "To be honest, ever since I lost my memories, they have been more than reluctant to put me back on the field. They stuck me in some building supervising junior analysts and I can't do it anymore."

He chuckled a little and said: "It's really not something Sarah Walker would enjoy."

"No. It's not. And I was going to the headquarters to tell them to put me back on the field or I would hand them my resignation. I can't stay with the CIA if I'm not an active agent." She told him.

She was not lying even though she wasn't completely honest with him. Her first intent was to go back to Langley and ask to go back on the field or she would quit and start a life somewhere else. But her talk with Ellie had made her see another possible outcome and the more she was standing next to him, the more she felt the need to be with him. It was up to him now. She didn't know if he would see this opportunity as a second chance for them, but it was up to him to let her know if he was willing to try.

"The Intersect doesn't work anymore you know. My life is just plain boring and adrenaline free." He told her. So much for being willing to try.

"It's okay. I believe that if I can handle your protection and do some side missions, I could gain their trust back and they'd eventually put my back on the field." She told him.

She knew that she was probably sounding pushy but this was her shot at another chance with him. It would probably take time but maybe he would find the strength to forgive her and let her back in his life. If not… well, that was something she didn't want to even envision. She had to fight for him and she was resolved to do so. She wouldn't tell him about her memories just yet, she didn't want him to pity her and pretend that he had feelings for her. It was weird and messed up, she knew it but her life was weird and messed up as well.

She watched him as he shifted his weight from one of his leg to the other. He was obviously contemplating her proposition. She knew he was making scenarios in his mind, testing every possibility about how this could turn out.

"Ella is a very good agent you know." He finally told her.

There, she had her answer, the brunette had won and she was stupid to have hope that the odds could turn out in her favor.

"Of course. You're right. I'm sure she is. I shouldn't have even asked that. I'm sorry. It was just a stupid idea." She quickly apologized.

Now the only thing left she had to do was to leave. She looked around her, once last time at what used to be her home. Was it possible to miss a place that you barely remembered? Would Chuck notice if she took one of the picture of their wedding? The only picture she had was the one she had found in her suitcase, she loved it but she didn't remember when or where it was taken. She remembered their vows from their wedding. And even if she had stomped on their vows vehemently, she wanted something that made the few memories she's had more real.

"Do you think we could write her a letter of recommendation or something like that?" She heard Chuck asked.

She shook out of her musing of stealing wedding pictures and furred her brows. Did she hear right?

"You agree?" She asked, dumbfounded.

He smiled a little and said: "The best spy to have ever set foot on this earth is asking to guarantee my protection, how could I say no to that?"

She smiled back at him and he added: "We're not going to have to do the cover girlfriend/boyfriend thing again, are we?"

"No… I mean, everyone in your life pretty much know you've been working for the agency. We'll just tell them I'm here for your protection and to the outside world, we'll just be co-workers or something like that. Whatever you already have going on with Ella, we'll keep." She explained even if she hadn't really figured every detail of her proposition yet.

"Ella's cover is working at the Buy More, being my co-worker, and she lives in Casey's old apartment to be close in case of emergency." Chuck explained.

"We can absolutely make it work." Sarah told him with a smile.

"Great." Chuck replied nonchalantly.

He knew that he was slowing stepping towards his self-destruction. He would have Sarah back into his life and she'll leave him again. Once she would prove that she was more than able to be the best damn spy the CIA ever knew, and he had no doubt that she would, it meant that she would leave to travel the world on adventurous missions. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't the life she wanted before she lost her memories. That she wanted a family with him but that would be useless and probably a little selfish too. He was happy to have her in his life him again but he dreaded the outcome. It would destroy him, he knew it, to have to let her go again. Part of him just hoped that maybe he could use this opportunity to make her see that he was worth giving him another chance. That signing those damn divorce papers was a monumental mistake. He could have more time with her, seeing her everyday… God he missed her so much. He would make the best of his time with her and he'll check himself into a psych ward after her departure because he knew he wouldn't be able to handle it. That was his plan.

"I'll call Beckman and ask for a favor." He told her before making his way to the hallway, leaving her in the middle of the living room.

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So what do you think? A little more conversation, a little less angst! Leave a review and let me know! As always, thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

I know it's been a long time. I hope you haven't given up on that story! Let me know what you think! Thanks for the amazing reviews!

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"Oh, good Sarah, you're still here." Said Eleanor Bartowski as she entered her brother's apartment followed by her husband and daughter.

"Hey guys." Sarah replied with a small wave and stopped pacing nervously across the living room.

"Is everything okay?" Ellie asked, raising an eyebrow as she noticed Sarah's weird behavior.

"Mm-mm." Sarah nodded, biting her lower lip, unable to hide her nervousness.

"Where's that little brother of mine?" Ellie asked again, suspicious that Sarah's behavior had something to do with Chuck.

"He's making a phone call in his bedroom." Sarah replied.

"He didn't do something stupid, did he? If he did, I'm gonna kick his ass. Just say the word and I'll kick his ass." The brunette told her.

Sarah let out a small smile and said: "No, he's been great."

Well, it was half a lie since he basically called her a slut but he had apologized many times. He was angry at her and she deserved every insult he would throw her way. It hurt to hear him say those words, to know that he didn't have faith in her, that he would think that she had slept with someone else. Just thinking about it again brought tears to her eyes.

"Hey, are you okay?" Ellie inquired, making a step towards her and resting her hand on her forearm.

"Yes… yes… everything is a bit overwhelming." Sarah conceded.

Devon cleared his throat and said: "Well excuse us ladies, but Clara and I will be freshening up after that long day."

Ellie gave her husband a smile, thanking him silently for giving her time to talk to Sarah.

"Ellie… I want to apologize for everything I did to you and your family." Sarah let out.

"It's our family and you already apologized Sarah. It's time to move forward. That woman that held a gun to me, she's not you. She might have looked like you, but she's not you. I've known you long enough to know how deeply you care about Chuck and the rest of our family to know that you wouldn't hurt any of us willingly." Ellie explained.

"Thank you." Sarah told her, somewhat relieved but still feeling guilty about her past behavior.

"Although I think you might hurt Jeffster willingly and I wouldn't blame you." Ellie said, to try to lighten the mood.

Sarah let out a small smile and the oldest Bartowski asked her: "So, have you told Chuck?"

"Told me what?" Chuck asked as he walked back into the living room, surprising them.

Both woman exchanged a look and Ellie could see panic all over Sarah's face and she quickly found something to say: "That Sarah's staying for diner!"

"Oh, you're staying for diner. Great." Chuck replied unenthusiastically before he added: "Sarah, can I talk to you outside for a second?"

The spy nodded and followed him outside were they sat by the fountain like they used to do.

"Is everything okay?" Sarah asked.

No, everything wasn't okay and he definitely wasn't okay. He was helping her to get back in the CIA's good graces. He will have her taken away from him once again. It was anything but okay. Was he being a masochist? Enjoying inflicting pain on himself? This situation was doomed to fail, he was doomed to have his heart broken again and the worst part was that he had willingly agreed to it. He was losing his sanity but he would have to pretend that it was totally alright.

"Yes, I've talked to Diane, she's happy to have you back to handle my security. She'll have to pull some strings though but Ella will be reassigned in a couple of days." He explained.

"Are you okay with this? You don't look okay Chuck." She told him.

"No, no, no. It's totally fine, I swear. You're the best person to handle that job. Who wouldn't want the best?" Chuck tried to sell.

"I won't let anyone get to you, I promise." Sarah told him sincerely.

"I know that and you have some broken ribs to prove it." He replied with as much sincerity.

She gave him a small smile and he added: "Could you just promise me something?"

"Of course." She replied without hesitation.

"I need you to promise me that you'll say goodbye before you leave. Once you prove them that they need you on the field, I need you not to leave me… I mean… leave me without saying goodbye. We may not love each other anymore but I think… I think we should at least be able to contact one another. Like you do with Carina… Even I know how to contact Carina." He rambled.

"Carina told you how to contact her?" Sarah asked, raising an eyebrow suspiciously.

"She did… Just in case of emergency." Chuck explained.

"That's weirdly sweet of her." Sarah said with a smile.

"So… do you promise?" He asked with hope.

"I promise." She replied simply but he could she her truthfulness in her eyes.

"Thank you." Chuck told her, gazing into her eyes for much longer than necessary. She hoped that he would be able to see the things she was unable to tell him. If she got their story right, he had always been more or less clueless about how she felt for him until she finally told him loud and clear. But she hoped that with time, he had learnt how to read her. No… she begged him to read her… But the moment was quickly gone when he cleared his throat and looked away from her.

Sarah got up suddenly and told him "I should get going, it's getting late."

"I don't think this is possible, you told Ellie that you are staying for dinner." Chuck reminded her.

"I don't want to intrude. You might want to spend some time with your family." She told him, trying to smile.

"Stay with us, Ellie is happy to see you. We used to do this is a lot before… I mean, in the past. We would often gather, Morgan, Alex, Casey, the Awesomes, you and me. We used to share a meal and some wine, have some good laughs..." Chuck told her, he seemed lost in his memories.

Unfortunately for Sarah it wasn't something that she could remember.

"I wish things were different." She told him.

"They are different. We were different people back then, it was another life ago. Now we have to focus on getting you back on the field. Let's forget about the past and move on." He told her, trying to sound alright and cheerful.

"One last mission." She told him with a nod, trying to convince herself.

Chuck sent her a bittersweet smile, he knew she didn't remember but still, his Sarah was still here, somewhere inside but he would probably never get her back. He looked down and his smile turned into a frown.

"What's wrong with one last mission?" Sarah asked, not understanding why her words just drastically changed his behavior.

Chuck look up at her and said: "One last mission… this is how you ended up losing your memories."

"I'm sorry." She told him, that's all she could say.

"We agreed on one last mission before we… we agreed on one last mission and it all went downhill from there." He told her, not able to look into her eyes. He didn't want to tell her that they wanted to leave the spy life, that they had that dream house waiting for them. That they had talked about having a baby. He didn't want her to think he was being melodramatic about their past when he just had stated that they had to move on.

"Hey, you just told me to forget the past and move on, right?" Sarah tried to change the subject.

"You're right, you're absolutely right. Let's get inside." Chuck told her before getting up and walking toward his apartment. Sarah followed him and found Ellie in the kitchen, she walked next to her to help her to prepare dinner but also to give herself something to do. It felt weird being around those people. She knew they were family but she didn't know anything about them. It was almost as if she had just met them. She felt like a stranger between them but they didn't seem to feel the same way about her.

Meanwhile Chuck joined Devon on the couch in the living room and started to play with Clara.

Sarah started to chop some vegetables while she discreetly watched Chuck interact with his niece. He was smiling and laughing. He was handsome. That smile of his was illuminating the whole house and it made Sarah smile as well. Did they contemplate having children before she lost her memories? She couldn't be sure but her instincts told her that they did. Then she remembered Chuck vows about their children being little superheroes. Chuck would make a wonderful father, that was for sure, but she, on the other hand, would probably be a crappy mother, unable to express her feelings. She would just do the same awful job at raising a child than her father did with raising her. That realization really hurt and brought tears to her eyes.

She suddenly felt a sharp pain in her thumb, she looked down and realized that she had chopped her finger instead of the vegetables.

"Shit." She muttered as she turned to the sink to put her thumb under cold water.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asked, noticing Sarah's problem.

"Yeah. Just a little cut." The blond spy replied.

"Let me see." Ellie told her, taking her hand to have a closer look and she added: "Chuck is an awesome uncle, isn't he?"

So, it seemed like the oldest Bartowski could read mind now, or Sarah had been probably staring for too long.

"Everything okay in here?" Chuck inquired as he made his way to the kitchen.

"Sarah just cut her thumb a little, no stiches needed. I'll get some band-aid." Ellie replied as she left the two of them in the kitchen.

"Let me see." Chuck told her with a soft but firm tone.

"I'm okay." Sarah replied with a small smile.

Chuck raised an eyebrow at her and gently grabbed her wrist to look at her hand, making a step closer to her. They were so close that Sarah could feel the heat emanating from his body. She kept her head down, unable to look at him.

"I hate it when you're hurt." He almost whispered, gently rubbing her wrist with his own thumb.

"I'm just a little clumsy." She replied with the same tone.

His hands were so warm and so soft that she could have melted right here. She closed her eyes, enjoying the moment and the comfort he was providing her. Those hands… it felt so good. She wondered how it would feel on other parts of her body… her back, her shoulders, her tights, her belly... She cursed mentally, she couldn't go there. It was way too dangerous.

"Sarah Walked is anything but clumsy." Chuck said softly.

Ellie clearing her throat interrupted their moment. It was a moment, wasn't it? Or was it just Sarah's mind playing tricks on her again?

She thanked her former sister in law for the band aid and quickly went back to her vegetables, careful to avoid Chuck's gaze. Was he playing with her? Telling her that he was over her and then being so nice and enticing so much feeling for him inside of her? No, it wasn't like him to do such things. He had admitted moments before that he was different than who he was in the past but she couldn't believe that he would play with her feelings. All these questions were driving her mad. She just wanted to get out of this house and clear her head. She wasn't a smoker but if she was, now would be a good time to go outside and smoke.

She let out a small sigh and couldn't help but gave some glances at Chuck who was back at playing with Clara. Their gazes met once or twice and they exchanged awkward smiles.

Chuck was tried not to stare at her but their encounter in the kitchen was making it a challenge. They had shared a moment, right? He didn't know about her but he had to restrain himself not to grab her and kiss her with everything he had. He wanted to kiss her and make her understand that he loved her. He didn't though. He couldn't. Firstly, because he didn't want her to feel pressured or secondly because he couldn't bear her rejection. It was way much easier in the past before they got together. It was easier because all the times she rejected him, he didn't really know what it was like to be with her, to wake up next to her in the morning and see her unhappy pout because 10am was way too early for her liking. Now he knew how amazing his life was when Sarah was in it and it made her rejection ten times worse than in the past. He was just keeping his feelings to himself for his own protection.

Dinner went by quickly even though Sarah felt a little left out sometimes because she couldn't remember the stories they were taking about. She thanked red wine for getting her through the evening and calming her nerves. It was weird being at a table with those three, it felt both strange and familiar.

"What about some dessert?" Ellie asked happily.

And there it was… the weird sensation Sarah felt when a memory was coming back to her. A magic trick… a burning soufflé… a bathroom. Chuck thinking that she was a danger to him… Poison…

"Sarah, are you okay?" Ellie inquired, bringing the spy back to earth.

"Yes… yes… just a little light-headed. Can I use your bathroom?" She asked, getting up before hearing the answer and walking to the bathroom where she locked herself. She tried to control her breathing and not to freak out. Remembering things usually threw her into a sort of a panic attack and she wouldn't have any of it right now, not in front of Chuck.

She entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her before resting her back against it. She tried to control her breathing while closing her eyes.

After a short while, there was a soft knock at the door.

"Sarah, are you okay in there?" She heard Chuck asking.

She took a big breath and turned to open the door, meeting Chuck's concerned look.

"Have you been lying to me?" He asked her abruptly.

Oh God he knew. He knew that she had some of her memories back. Ellie had probably involuntarily spilled the beans. Now she would have to come clean and tell him the truth. She would have to tell him that she loved him and he would reject her and her heart would shatter into millions of pieces.

She opened her mouth to talk but no sounds came out so Chuck asked: "Do you still have The Intersect? Did you just flash?"

"No… no Chuck, I didn't flash... well… I didn't Intersect flash…" Sarah told him, taken aback by his questions.

"What is it then? You show up out of the blue, ask to be assigned to my protection, you act like you're not yourself at all, not the Sarah from five years ago or the Sarah from five months ago… I don't get it. What do you want from me?" He asked her again, trying not to shout at her.

"I… Chuck… it's…" She tried but her words wouldn't come out.

"Does the CIA want me back? Have you been plotting this whole thing with Beckman? Am I back at being your asset? Are you after the Intersect? What the hell is going on?" He insisted, he was clearly spiraling but he needed answers.

"Chuck… I…" Sarah tried again.

"Oh, for God's sake Sarah just tell me!" He shouted this time, making her jump.

"I have my memories back." She replied. She pushed passed him and out the front door, slamming it shut loudly.

"I'm gonna kill you Chuck Bartowski." Ellie shouted from the kitchen.


	9. Chapter 9

She literally ran into the little bearded man as she was leaving Chuck's apartment. He was angry and he needed answers that she couldn't give him, her emotions being all over the place the place right now. Her inability to explain herself lead to angering him more. She needed to leave and regroup before she could be able to talk to him. She had to find a way to open up and tell him.

"Ooof Sarah… Didn't see you there." Morgan apologized, after they collided, taking two steps away from her. Was he scared of her? She wondered if Chuck's best friend loathed her for all the things she was responsible for, just like Chuck was. He was his best friend after all and she knew for sure that Morgan was having Chuck's back.

"Sorry." Sarah muttered, checking behind her if Chuck was going after her. Part of her wanted him to, part of her didn't. She gave Morgan a faint smile and walked past him. She didn't know what to say to him, it's not like she could engage in small talk about the weather. Besides, after her argument with Chuck, she was not in the mood for small talk.

She heard Morgan sighed behind her and he pleaded: "Don't leave him again, please."

She stopped in her tracks, almost out of the Echo Park complex. She didn't want to leave but Chuck was making it excruciatingly difficult for her to stay. He was being really nice and then a total ass to her and it was making her head spin. And why Morgan sounded nice to her? He was supposed to hate her too.

"He barely survived it the last time you know." Morgan added before Sarah turned to face him, raising an eyebrow. Maybe if she looked cold and menacing he would leave her alone. But she also wanted to know what he meant, to know what had happened to Chuck while she was gone.

"Listen Sarah… I know we're not friends but I want to believe we used to be. Also, I know you could kill me and make me disappear and no one would ever know but… what I want to say is that, it destroyed him. So, I'm begging you… no, you know what I'm ordering you even if you kill me and make my body disappear, I'm ordering you not to leave him!" Morgan continued.

"He doesn't want me in his life, he doesn't trust me." Sarah replied, glancing at the door of the apartment once again.

"When you left him on that beach, he came back home and he drank until he passed out. The day after that, he did the same, repeatedly, every day. You might not remember the cheese balls and beard episode after the Prague meltdown but it was even worse than that. You didn't just leave him, he lost you. He lost everything that made you, you. And with you he also lost his future, his hopes, his family, his possible children and his job to fight cyber criminals… and he ended up losing himself too." He let out but stopped when he saw the tears on Sarah's face.

"What I mean is that, it took Ellie and I a lot of work and time to get him out of his misery, to make him understand that he had to move on, to get him sober… and I don't know if any of us could survive another episode like that. If you're here, it means that something changed, that there is a chance for you guys, so Sarah don't blow it." And with that he walked away from her, proud of his lecture and headed to his apartment, leaving her Sarah dumbfounded.

"The Morgan door is always open." He added before disappearing behind the door.

Sarah let Morgan's words sink in, turning to the famous window on instinct. She didn't clearly remember, but she knew exactly what was the Morgan door.

She loved Chuck with all her heart, she had to make amends. She wanted him to trust her again, to love her again. Or maybe if that wasn't possible, maybe they could try to be friends. She had to make this right, if not for herself than for him. She finally decided to get inside Chuck's room.

He was there, much to her surprise, sitting on the bed, slumped forward with his head resting in his hands. She sat next to him silently as he faced his computer and she faced the window. He knew it was her, she was certain of that, even without him looking. She waited. She didn't know where to start, how to make things right between them and on top of that, she didn't know how to open up to him.

"I haven't been able to sleep in this bed ever since you left." He finally let out, still unmoving.

"That's too bad, it's a nice bed." She replied, glancing at the bed over her shoulder. She had a memory of cuddling on this bed while listening to Nina Simone and she knew how comfortable this bed was… with Chuck in it.

"Do you really have your memories back?" He asked, taking her out of her thoughts as he straightened up his position, his eyes still fixed on his computer.

"Not all of them, but some. I'm not playing with you Chuck, I'm not recruiting you or making you my asset." She told him truthfully.

"I know. I'm sorry I lashed out… I… it's like I'm angry all the time now. I know it's not me, but it's strong than me." He explained to her.

"I know it's my fault. I've hurt you so badly Chuck… you didn't deserve any of it. You have every right to hate me and not to trust me, I understand that… I deserve… every ounce of hate you have toward me." She told him.

"When did you start remembering?" He asked her.

"A little while after we last met at the beach." She replied, grateful that they weren't face to face, it was making easier to talk to him, to open up to him.

"Why didn't you come back then?" He asked another question.

She knew that he needed answers and she was willing to give it to him even if that meant letting out her feelings and emotions. She knew she had done it before but she couldn't figure out how she managed to do it. It would be easier just to punch a bag and sweat it out instead of using her voice. She was so messed up. As much as it hurt, she had to do it, she wanted to do it, she just hoped that he would be patient enough to hear her.

"I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed of what I did to you and Ellie… of who I was-I am. I thought it would be best if I stayed away from you." She said after a long sigh. She felt her stomach twist and turn in anxiety.

"I'm ashamed too. I gave up on you Sarah. I gave up on us." He told her, shaking his head.

"It's okay Chuck." She replied simply, not really knowing what else to tell him. "It's okay not to love me anymore." She added, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"I shouldn't have. That's why I'm so angry, I'm angry at myself more than everything." He explained.

She wanted to comfort him, to make him feel better. She hated herself for causing him so much pain.

"I'm the one to blame. I put the glasses on, I pushed you down the stairs, I left you at the beach. You're the kindest man I ever met, don't be angry, don't be ashamed, it's my burden. Let me bear alone the consequences of my actions." She told him.

"Do you believe in redemption?" He asked.

She let out a small snort and replied: "I'm the living proof that redemption exists. The things I did… in my past before I met you… people I've killed… you seem to have seen past that. I believe this was what redemption was for me."

"What about now? Is it why you asked to be tasked to my protection?" He questioned again.

"No. How could you forgive me? I can't even forgive myself. Even though I can't redeem myself for a second time, I want to have those five years back. I want to know who I've become and maybe… maybe with time… maybe you will be able to see past what I've done… a second time." She explained slowly, while drying her tears the best she could with the back of her hand.

"Why did you sign the divorce papers?" He asked her.

"Isn't it what you wanted? To be free from me? I know I'm just the shell of the woman you loved, it isn't fair to you to force you into something you don't want." She answered him.

Chuck stood silent and unmoving for a long time. She was wondering what was going on in his head. She could almost hear him think. She had let her heart out, it was up to him now. He could stomp on it or give her a chance. She was feeling like she was a convict waiting for her sentencing. The longer it took him to say something, the more she felt like she was sentenced to suffer for the rest of her life… She could clearly see what the future would hold for her, loneliness. Well, that would be a fair punishment for everything she'd done.

She took a long and slow breath, giving him a little more time… Nothing. She finally gathered her courage and got up from the bed. She walked toward the window. She was about to leave the room when she heard him say: "Stay the night."

Her heart sank, without her CIA training, she wouldn't have been able to contain her tears. It's not like he had forgiven her or anything but he said something and that was everything to her. Maybe there was hope.

She turned to face him and he was still looking away from her, maybe to prevent her from seeing his pain or hatred… she wasn't sure about it.

"Take the bed, I'll take the couch. Your hold stuffs are still in the drawers." He told her, getting up from the bed and taking a step toward the door.

"Chuck wait." She said in a hurry and he stopped before his hand reached the handle of the door.

"Can you please look at me?" She asked with a tone that almost sounded like she was begging.

"I can't." He replied.

"Please." She told him in a whisper. She could not stay in his life if he couldn't even look at her.

He finally turned, hearing her urgency and look up to meet her gaze. That's when she saw the reason why he wouldn't look at her, his face was wet with tears. Damned be her CIA training or her reason, she listened to her heart and walked the few steps that separated her from him. She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered as she let silent tears run down her face.

When she realized that he was not hugging her back, she stepped away from him and dried her tears, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

"I'm sorry." She apologized again for hugging him when she shouldn't have.

"Goodnight Sarah." He told her before turning his back to her to reach for the door.

"Goodnight Chuck." She replied, closing her eyes and chastising herself mentally for letting her emotions take the best of her. How could she have been so stupid? He was mad at her, the last thing he probably wanted was for her to touch him. But then, she felt something warm on her forehead and on one side of her neck. It sent shivers from her head to her toes. She didn't dare to open her eyes, fearing that the feeling would stop. It was his lips on her forehead and his hand on her neck. His thumb lightly stroking her jaw.

"Goodnight Sarah." She heard him repeat before the warm feeling disappeared and she heard the door of the room open and close.

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That's what she could call a good night of sleep, free from nightmares. Her old bed was very comfortable. She had woken up before everybody else in the house and got ready for her day. What would this day consist off, she didn't really know but she had two things to do, find a new place to stay and call Langley to let them know she wouldn't be coming after all.

Now she was just laying lazily in what used to be her bed, taking in her surrounding, trying to remember what could have happened in this room. Well, sex for starters as she had remembered in the fragment of her memory after they had listened to Nina Simone, but what about the rest? What had taken place in this room? Good things? Bad things? She wanted to know but she couldn't and it frustrated her. She could hear the noises coming from outside her room, indicating that everyone was already up but she was reluctant to get out. What would she say? What would Ellie think, knowing that she had spent the night here? And most of all, she wasn't sure she was ready to see Chuck after their encounter from last night.

She heard the door room that she had let slightly open to be alerted in case something happened, opened a little further. She sat up quickly and saw Clara crawling in. She couldn't fight the grin on her face even if she wanted to, as she saw the little girl making her way in the room towards her.

"Hey Clara." She told the toddler as she picked her up to sat on her lap.

"Now what are you doing here on your own?" She asked, her smile not leaving her face.

"She wanted to let you know that the famous Woodcomb / Bartowski family breakfast is ready." She heard Chuck say.

Sarah tensed a little when she heard him. She got up quickly to hand the little girl to him. She was not to be trusted around kids, no one in this house would want her to hold Clara after what she had done. For some reason, the little girl wrapped her tiny arms around her neck, refusing to go with her Uncle.

"Looks like Clara misses you as much as everyone else in this family." Chuck said with a smile.

"I-I shouldn't… I'm not… with kids… I shouldn't…" Sarah mumbled even though she tightened her grip on the little girl.

"Hey… don't do that. You told me about Molly. What you did for her, how you saved her. You've always been good to Clara. We trust you with her, there is no doubt about how good you are with babies." Chuck told her.

She gave him a thankful smile. So, he knew about Molly… She was not surprised, she knew she could trust him with her secrets, that they would always be safe with him, that she would always be safe with him.

"C'mon, let's go get breakfast." Chuck told her.

She nodded and followed him in the living room where a massive breakfast table had been set.

"Hey Sarah, slept well?" Ellie asked her when she saw her.

"Hi. Very well, thank you." She replied.

"Awesome." Came Devon's typical word that made her smile.

They all sat at the table, Sarah kept Clara on her lap and said: "I'm sorry I didn't help to set this wonderful table. Everything looks delicious."

"It's alright. I made pancakes, Devon made his protein shake and per usual my little brother and Clara-" Ellie explained but was cut off by Chuck.

"Clara and I made cereals." He said with a goofy smile that made everyone giggle.

These people were amazing, welcoming her back into their lives as if she was still part of their family. This family was her family and she was overwhelmed with joy at that thought.

* * *

I hope you've enjoyed this chapter... full of angst I know but I think it's the last one with so much angst so thank you for being patient! Please let me know what you think in a review. Thank you for taking the time to read this story.


	10. Chapter 10

I can't believe I made it to 10 chapters and I can't believe people would be interested in reading 10 chapters. So thank you!

* * *

It's been a week since Ella had moved out back to DC and Sarah had moved in into John Casey's old apartment. She liked the place, specially what the CIA had done to it, emergency showers, hidden cases for weapons and more handy gadgets.

Her arrangement with Chuck and the CIA was going well after a week. They had set some ground rules, Chuck was not to leave his place without Sarah, had to wear his GPS watch at all time, she would drive him to work and back every day. At nights, Sarah would go on some side missions, alone, while Chuck was to remain safe in his room. Well, his couch since he was refusing to go back to their old room or use the guest room. Ellie and Devon were back to Chicago, assured that Chuck was in good hands now that Sarah was back in his life.

While Chuck was working in the Buy More, Sarah was working in Cattle. It was not what it used to be, Chuck had explained to her. No need for fancy equipment for a broken Intersect, now it was just a single computer, a desk and all that empty space. It was everything Sarah needed since the computer was linked to surveillance cameras where she could keep an eye on Chuck and to the CIA network.

Sarah let out a grunt when she saw that woman on the surveillance feed, Jane Davis and her son Robin, standing at the Nerd Herd desk. It was the third time this week that she was coming into the store and it was only just Thursday.

Sarah had looked her up, she was alright. No record, not even a ticket for driving too fast. Single mother of a ten years old boy, graduated from UCLA. She was a smart and short brunette flirting with Chuck. That looked oddly familiar to Sarah, but she couldn't figure out why. It didn't matter anyway, she couldn't ask Chuck about it without telling him that she had noticed that Jane was flirting with him. She would sound jealous because let's admit it, she was jealous when she was in no place to be so. She had signed the divorce papers after all. They both did.

She just watched the screen as Jane, damn that name felt so bitter in Sarah's mouth, was resting her hand on Chuck's, both smiling and looking down at the boy who looked like his mother.

Sarah let out a long breath to control the tears pooling in her eyes. That was supposed to be her, walking in the Buy More with their son. No, their daughter, she wanted a daughter, first. A daughter first and then a son. And they would surprise Chuck in the middle of the day just because they wanted to see him. If only…

From what Sarah could see, it would only be a matter of time before either one of them asked the other out. She would have to find a way to be okay with that. Chuck was bound to move on and she'd have to let him, even if it broke her heart.

The buzzing of her phone got her out of her thoughts.

"Hey Sarah, ready to go?" She heard Chuck asked. She looked at the computer screen to see him looking directly at the camera with a smile on his face. He looked happy, she loved that smile. She just wished that she could be the one causing this smile, not Jane freaking Davis. Sarah felt guilty, she had no right to be mad at that poor woman, she hadn't done anything wrong.

"I'm on my way." Sarah replied before hanging up and leaving Castle to meet Chuck just outside the store.

"How was your day?" He inquired sweetly as they began to walk to Sarah's car.

"It was okay. How was yours?" She asked in return.

"Good, it was a good, good day." He replied. He had that smile on his face, the one that made her smile in return, the one that made her want to kiss him. The smile that made her insides and her walls melt at the same time. But she was no fool, that smile was not caused by her, it didn't belong to her, so she tried her best to ignore it.

She was three steps ahead him, lost in her musings about his smile when she realized that he wasn't following her. She stopped and turned back and saw that he wasn't walking anymore.

"Is something wrong?" She asked him, wondering what was going on.

"No, no, nope... everything's great. Really great." He said, pursing his lips.

"Come on Chuck, what's going on?" She asked him, taking a step towards him and raising an eyebrow at what seemed like his sudden nervousness. She could tell there was something bothering him or maybe something he wanted to ask.

"Hmm… well… hmm, do you think we could have a night off?" He asked her and before she could reply he continued: "You know, no spy stuff, no surveillance?"

Sarah ran a hand through her hair. There it was, the moment she dreaded, the moment when Chuck would ask if he could go on a date with Jane. She didn't think it would be so soon.

"It could be dangerous Chuck, you know that." She told him. She knew she was being a coward, using his safety as a pretense to keep him from going on a date instead of simply telling him how she felt.

"But no one knows I'm the Intersect, which by the way is broken. No attempt to kill me or abduct me had been made for months now. I think it could be safe just to spend one evening out. Come on Sarah, please." He argued for his cause with his best puppy face.

Sarah sighed, how could she say no to him? He had every right to be happy, to enjoy a date night with this woman.

"Okay, but there will be conditions." She relented with a sigh.

"Name 'em." Chuck told her, trying his best not to look to happy.

"You tell me where you're going, I stay in a car to watch over you from afar and if… if…" She cleared her throat before continuing: "If you... huh… end up at Jane's place… to… huh, I'll be right outside." She explained the best she could.

"Wait, wait, wait… Jane?" Chuck asked with a dumbfound look on his face.

"Yes, Jane. Little brunette with a son named Robin?" Sarah told him, getting a little upset that he was playing dumb with her.

"Jane?" Chuck repeated, still trying to understand why Sarah was talking about that customer.

"Oh, come on Chuck…" She sighed.

"Oh-oh Jane… yeah… Robin is a brilliant kid." Chuck said with a smile.

"I ran a background check on her, there are absolutely no reason why you shouldn't date her, she isn't a treat." Sarah explained, using her best CIA handler looks and voice.

"I could see several reasons." Chuck muttered.

"So, yes you can go out on a date with her, as long as I can keep a surveillance on you." Sarah concluded, trying really hard to be okay with that.

"Why would I go out with her?" Chuck asked Sarah.

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose before saying: "Listen Chuck, you don't have to pretend not to understand what I'm saying. You asked for a night off from me and she is clearly into you and you… you seem interested too… so yes… you can take her out. I promise my surveillance will be unnoticed."

"I'm… she's not… I'm not interested Sarah!" Chuck retorqued wondering where the hell Sarah was going with this whole thing about a simple customer with an intelligent kid.

"She's flirting with you Chuck, it's obvious." She replied.

"Flirting with me?" Chuck asked again dumbfounded.

"I don't see why she wouldn't. You're smart, handsome and you get along with her son." Sarah explained.

Chuck thought about it for a second and then he said: "Yeah… yeah okay, maybe she is flirting with me. But I don't remember flirting with her! I sure didn't! I'm helping her son because he just started programing and sometimes he needs help with the code, that's all. I'm not taking her on a date." Chuck explained, it was now his turn to be irritated by Sarah's assumptions.

"I'm sorry… I-I thought… you." Sarah apologized. She was being so unprofessional right now, it was awful. She had no rights to disturb Chuck's life, to pry into it as if he still belonged to her. God she was becoming awful at her job.

She looked at him and said: "I'm sorry. I'm just here for your protection. It won't happen again. Let's get you home."

Chuck nodded, and they finally made it to the car. Once inside Chuck waited a little and said: "What I meant earlier… is that… huh… we could use a night off. Both of us."

"You know I can't leave you unprotected." Sarah told him as she was driving in direction of Echo Park.

"You've been protecting me for a week now and I don't think you haven't slept more than just a few hours." Chuck told her.

"You don't have to worry about my sleep schedule. I'm doing my job. Protecting you during the day and putting some bad guys behind bars during the night. But… if you feel like I'm invading your personal space and you want me to step back, all you have to do is ask." She explained.

"You said you wanted me to help you with your memories. I think we should get a night off and go out to dinner. Or we could stay home and order pizzas. You know when I first asked, I initially said, 'could WE have a night off' and then you went all 'go out with Jane on me', but I thought maybe we could work on your memories." He finally explained.

"Oh." Was all Sarah could answer.

"That is, only if you want to." He told her, giving her an out if she needed.

"Okay." She told him with a smile.

There was a comfortable silence and he asked: "What is it like, when you remember?"

"Hard. Overwhelming. I see pictures, like flashes. The Intersect took my memories away by flashing and I think it's coming back in the same weird way." She explained.

"It makes sense. Do you know how to trigger it?" He asked.

"No. Unfortunately no. It just shows up here and there, because of a place, a smell, a song…" She told him.

"Does it hurt?" He asked again.

"No. Not physically. I just feel a little dizzy." She replied.

"Maybe if I showed you old pictures of you… of us, it could trigger a memory?" Chuck asked.

"I've tried that already. Looked at all the pictures at your place and nothing." She told him.

"Okay." He replied with a hint of deception.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could control it." She told him truthfully. She was feeling like she was letting him down.

"It's okay, it'll come back when it'll come back ya' know." Chuck said with a smile.

She simply nodded, and he let out a small snort.

"What is it?" She asked curiously, wondering if he was making fun of her.

"Nothing… it's just, we make quite a pair you and I. You with your broken memories and me with my broken Intersect." He explained.

"We could try to get it to work again, I mean… The Intersect." She told him.

"Is that required by the government? That you get it to work again?" He asked her.

"No. I just thought… that… forget it. I shouldn't have said anything." She told him.

She didn't care if the Intersect worked or not, that was the least of her problems. Even if the CIA wanted it to be operational again, she didn't give a damn. She had just proposed that, so she could spend a little more time with him. He was right, they barely saw each other and even if he had proposed to spend time with her just so he could help with her memories, she on the other hand just wanted to be with him.

They rode in a comfortable silence until they reached Echo Park, they walked side by side until they reached Sarah's door and Chuck asked: "You know, that night off… I was thinking we could have it right now…"

"I-I.. Are you sure?" She asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, come on over, we'll order a pizza and we'll work on our broken brains." He said with a smile.

She smiled back at him and silently nodded. He smiled, walked to his apartment door and she followed him.

Once inside, he excused himself to go get changed into something more comfortable then his Nerd-Herd uniform and told her to get comfortable.

She looked around the living room and unconsciously walked to the two steps between the kitchen and the hallway were his room was situated. She stopped dead in her tracks when she started feeling dizzy. Morgan tided up on the floor. Chuck holding a plastic guitar. The smell of ice cream mixed with alcohol. Fear. Do you love me?

The memory ended too soon, and Sarah rested her forehead against the wall and punched it several times with her fist.

"Come on!" She muttered in frustration. She wanted more, she wanted to remember more.

"Sarah?" She froze at the sound of Chuck calling her name.

He walked next to her and asked: "Did you just memory-flash?"

She turned her head and raised an eyebrow and he replied: "Well, we have to call it something."

She chuckled and said with a sad smile: "I remembered you asking me a question, on this very spot."

"That was a very important question." He told her with the same sad smile.

"I said yes, didn't I? The memory-flash ended before I replied." She asked him, rolling her eyes when she pronounced memory-flash.

He nodded and said: "I see that name is warming up on you."

She sighed and said: "It's not enough. I want to remember more. I want to have everything back."

She bumped her forehead against the wall and Chuck put a hand on her shoulder and he said: "It's okay Sarah, one memory at a time." And with that he walked into the living room.

Sarah sighed again. Chuck was right, she had to be patient. But she wanted more. She wanted her life back and she wanted him. But what was the point of having her memories back if she couldn't be with Chuck? It would only end in more suffering. Remembering what she couldn't have anymore. What she had messed up. The mistakes that she'd made. She wasn't so sure it was worth remembering anymore.

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I hope you liked this chapter, please let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

Chuck was pacing in his living room. She was late, and she was never late to pick him up to drive him to work. He could feel it in his guts, something was wrong and that feeling frightened him to no ends.

It's been a little more than two months now that Sarah was protecting him. She was balancing her CIA missions with his protection. They barely saw each other beside the back and forth driving to or from work. Chuck had tried to maintain a routine where they would get together and talk. He liked to believe that they had become friends again. They would talk about anything, sometimes about their past together but not too often as it was still too painful for both of them.

This morning, something was off. He knew he wasn't supposed to get out of his apartment without her, but he did it anyway, making his way towards her place. Maybe she just overslept, maybe she was in the middle of a conference call, maybe she just went back to DC and he would never see her again, maybe she was dead, killed in a middle of nowhere. Those thoughts made him nauseous. He had to do something, he had to know what was going on.

He took a long breath, not knowing what to expect before knocking at the front door, silently praying for Sarah to be okay.

"What about not leaving your place without me?" He heard her asked behind him, making him jump in surprise.

Relief flowed through him and he released the breath he didn't know he was holding. He turned to face her with a smile on his face because she was okay. Well, okay was a big word as both his smile and jaw dropped when he saw her, and there was the nausea again.

"What happened to you?" He asked her. Her clothes were teared, she had a black eye, her lower lip was cut, her hair was a mess and it even looked like her nose had been bleeding.

"It's nothing." She brushed off with a shrug before slowly walking towards the door.

"God Sarah, you're limping!" Chuck exclaimed, instinctively wrapping an arm around her waist to offer her support. He enjoyed the warmth that provided her body and fought off the urge to hug her to him and just hold her.

"Took a bad hit to the knee, it'll heal up fast. Thanks." She reassured him as she unlocked the front door and they both stepped in.

Sarah reluctantly separated herself from him and told him: "Just give me ten minutes to take a shower and cover up all this and I'll take you to work."

"Do you need help?" He asked with concern. There was no way she was going anywhere like this, he wouldn't let her. She needed to rest and heal. He knew she wasn't getting enough sleep, so he decided that today was Sarah's day off.

"I'll be fine, thank you." She replied with the best fake smile she could give him.

He watched as she slowly made her way to the stairs, trying her best to hide her pain. God, he hated this. Seeing her like that, so hurt and so tired. It had to stop, and he was the one that could make it stop. As soon as he heard the shower running, he took out his cellphone and dialed General Beckman's number.

"Chuck, it's nice to hear from you. How are things in Burbank?" The General greeted him.

"Hi General. Fine thanks. I need to talk to you, it's about Sarah." He went straight to the topic.

"I'm listening." Diane told him.

"It has to stop, her going on missions and protecting me. She can't do both." He explained.

"Are you questioning Agent Walker's capabilities to do her job?" She asked.

"No, of course not… I'm just worried about her, General... Diane… She's exhausted." He told her truthfully.

"Chuck… she's been asked to go back to DC. She's to be sent back to field missions. She's done a perfect job in Burbank. The CIA wants her back now." Diane explained.

"What? When?" Chuck mumbled, taken aback by the information.

"She had been called back a week ago." The General told him.

"I-I don't understand…" He shook his head.

"Chuck… Sarah was supposed to stop protecting you and report to headquarters a week ago. She didn't. If she keeps this up any longer, they'll consider her rogue. I'm sure you remember what the CIA does with rogue agents." She said after a sigh.

"Yes…" Chuck replied, swallowing hard. "Thank you General."

"You're welcome… And Chuck… you must fix whatever is going on. It's an order." Diane told him before hanging up.

He made his way to the kitchen to get some ice and then walked up to her room, at the same moment, she went out of the bathroom, only wearing a towel.

"I'm almost ready." She told him, avoiding his gaze, looking through her drawers to find something to wear.

"Take your time. I'm not going to work." He replied, carefully avoiding looking at her. He couldn't, not with her wearing next to nothing.

She stopped looking for clothes, finally looked at him and proposed: "I can have an agent escorting you if you want to."

"I'm not going to work. You need to rest and heal. Consider this your day off." He repeated gently with a small smile.

"My injuries can't get in the way Chuck of my mission here. I'm taking you to work." She insisted.

"Well good luck with that since I don't plan on going and giving your current state, I don't think you can make me." He stubbornly replied.

She let out a sigh and he added: "Get dressed into something comfortable."

"Buy More won't…" She started but he cut her off and said: "I'll call in sick. Now get dressed, please."

She nodded and gathered a tee-shirt and some boy shorts and quickly went back in the bathroom to change. When she came back, Chuck told her to lie down on the bed and he gave her the ice for her lip and knee.

"You don't have to take care of me you know." She told him with a smile.

"I know, but I want to." He replied with a smile of his own.

She gave him another smile and thanked him. They stayed silent for a while, until finally Chuck decided that he had to let her know that he knew she was supposed to leave.

"I talked to Beckman." He started gently.

"Oh." Was all that she could say.

"You were supposed to leave, to go back to your old life. Why didn't you?" He asked with a soft tone.

"I…I thought… I was hoping…" She shook her head in disbelief at not being able to formulate a coherent sentence.

She cleared her throat and said: "I can't leave Chuck. I can't leave you and I can't leave the CIA."

"I don't understand. I thought this was what you wanted." He told her.

"Taking this job, protecting you, I was hoping that you could somehow forgive me. That you would be willing to give me another chance. That with time… maybe… But you're not, and I-I understand. I can't go back to my old life, before I met you, I don't want to. But I can't quit the CIA because if I'm not Sarah Walker and I'm not Sarah Bartowski, then I don't know who I am." She explained, trying not to cry.

"They're going to declare you rogue Sarah! They'll send someone to kill you!" He told her, raising his voice a little. He was not mad, he was just scared for her life. For what might happen to her if she was to disobey the CIA's orders.

"It's okay." She replied with a shrug.

"It's okay? Someone's gonna put a bullet between your eyes and all you have to say is it's okay?" He was getting agitated at her nonchalance. She was acting like it was alright for her to die and he didn't like it one bit.

"I was hoping we could go out and get something to eat some place nice. I'd like that." She told him.

"Tell me you have a plan, that you are going to run. Tell me you're going to run Sarah." He almost pleaded.

"I'm not going to run." She sighed and got up from the bed before continuing: "I'd just like to have a good meal… with you."

"Like your last meal or something? Sarah you're seriously delirious! This is ridiculous." Chuck exclaimed.

She walked up to him and gently took his hand to calm him and she said: "I don't remember everything, but I do know that I love you Chuck. I can't change what happened between us, what I did…"

"Sarah…" He whispered, shaking his head.

"Please, let me finish." She begged.

He nodded, and she kept going: "You made me promise to say goodbye to you. Ever since I got the call to go back to DC, I've been trying to do that, to say goodbye. I thought we could go out and I'd explain everything, tell you that I was leaving. I couldn't find the strength to do it. I don't want to do it. Every day I keep hoping that this is the day you're going to forgive me and that I will never have to go."

She took a deep breath, dried the few tears escaping her eyes and put on her best smile: "I guess that now that you know everything, all that's left is to say goodbye."

"I can't forgive you Sarah…" Chuck whispered, hanging his head in shame.

Tears rushed to Sarah eyes and she said: "I know. I know. It's okay Chuck."

"No, you don't understand. You may not remember but I do. I know what I've done, and… and this all mess, it's not about me forgiving you… It's about you. You, remembering our past and finally understanding what I've done. It's about you, forgiving me." He told her, not able to look in her eyes.

"I don't understand." She told him, not letting go of his hand.

"For better or for worst, in sickness and in health... That was our vows… and I gave up on you Sarah." He said, tears filling his eyes.

"No one should go through what happened to you… to us. I don't think memory loss applies to those vows." Sarah told him.

"It's not the only ones that I've broken…" He trailed out.

She took a step back from him, letting go of his hand, trying to compose herself for what he had to say. If he had been with someone else, she couldn't blame him, it was all her doing but it didn't make it hurt any less. She understood now why he was acting this way, it all made sense. All the walls he's put up between them. He had been with someone else.

"Do you love her?" She asked, swallowing her tears and controlling her breathing. She used all her spy training to keep herself together.

"Love her… what? No! Sarah no!" Chuck exclaimed, understanding the meaning of her words.

Her knees buckled, and she almost lost her balance, but he caught her in his arms just in time.

"It's not what I meant. There is no one else but you Sarah." He told her while looking straight in her eyes.

"The oath I broke is the one about never contemplating divorce. It's a long story that involves a prenup but in the end, we swore to each other never contemplate divorce. And I did. Damn, I did more than that, I printed and signed those damn papers…" He explained, shaking his head once again.

She reached a hand to rest on his neck and pressed herself closer to him.

"I'm so sorry Sarah, I was drunk, and Morgan was trying to get me out of my crappy mood and he told me to get over it. When he left, I thought that signing divorce papers who be a good idea and I did it. I'm so sorry." He apologized.

"I signed them too. I broke our oath too." She told him, trying to reassure him.

"But you didn't know about it." He argued.

"You got drunk because of what I did to you, so it's all really my fault in the end." Sarah told him.

"No.. Sarah… I…" He tried to say but she moved her hand slowly and she was now gently stroking his jaw with her thumb.

"Kiss me… please." She begged in a whisper.

Chuck let his forehead rest against hers and time seemed to stand still. He was internally debating whether to kiss her. His heart was screaming at him to do it, but his mind was telling him that he didn't deserve her. The fact that she was stroking her fingers against his skin, her burning touch made everything blurry and he finally slightly pressed his lips against hers.

The feeling overwhelmed her, her buried emotions for this man exploded all at once. She couldn't fight the tears streaming down her cheeks. She almost lost her balance, her injured knee not allowing her to stand on her tip toes any longer.

Chuck wrapped his arm around her waist but broke their kiss.

"No, no, no, no, no. Don't stop. Don't stop." She begged softly, already missing his lips on hers.

"You're exhausted Sarah." He told her gently, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I don't care." She said, reconnecting her lips with his.

He pushed her away by placing his hands on her shoulders. She bit her lower lip and looked down, the feeling of rejection too strong to look in his eyes. She had done everything she could, from pouring out her heart to him to kissing him but it was not enough. She was not enough. She had never been. She wondered how she had been able to fool herself into thinking that she was.

"I'll pack my things and go." She murmured, taking a small step away from him.

"I'm serious when I say that you need to rest." He told her.

"I'll sleep on the plane." She replied, still looking down and fighting back her tears.

"I was more thinking like you could lie down on this bed and I could hold you." He told her.

She looked up at him and he added: "I know we need to talk but right now, all I want to do is hold you for a while."

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Hope you liked this chapter. It might be the last, I don't know yet. Thank you for taking some of your precious time to read my words.


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